Station Atomica will have been around for one month starting on the 9th of January, 2008. With this much experience under my belt I believe I am qualified to make blanket statements regarding internet advertising and MAKIN’ MONEY ONLINE, so here goes:
ADSENSE CAN SHOVE A COFFEE MUG UP ITS ASS
Unlike some self righteous jerks I am not pretending to be a bastion of internet free speech and integrity. The reason for this is simply that no one cares or ever will care about that. It has been my plan from day one to paste ads over every square inch of space my layout allows. Fortunately I have people to hold me back and remind me that I should produce actual content with which I can generate traffic with which I can bla bla bla I want money.
I’m not doing this for free folks, The only reason I’m putting up with the AdSense crap is that maybe someday it will generate enough income so that I can cut back on my other job testing wooden dowels for the Singapore penal system by having them broken over my ass. People talk about selling out like it is a bad thing. Well here is a partial list of things I would sell out for:
- A $10 bill.
- A box of Fruit Delights. These things are the shit. (brought to you by our sponsors at Liberty Orchards.)
- A ham sandwich WITHOUT paint chips in it.
- A new belt because my old one is getting a little warped and funky
Now some may say, “Be patient, you need more traffic to really get any results. The money will come eventually.” Well I would be inclined to agree if it were not for two facts: One is that I have made less than three bucks on AdSense this whole time, and two is that AdSense if totally schizophrenic.
Here is a look at some of the more insane ads Google has decided my blog is a good match for:
- Star Trek Ringtones- Alright this one I can understand. Go ahead and put down a Star Trek ad or two, but every single ad on the page?
- Chronic Psoriasis- Don’t ask my why, but this motherfucker pops up all the time. Something about my articles must scream “YOUR READERS HAVE INFLAMED FLAKY SKIN!”
- Mobility Scooters- I don’t remember writing about Matlock or Twinkies, which is what geezers and fat people like, which is the target audience for a scooter. I did mention World of Warcraft a couple times, so maybe it makes sense after all.
- Dove Hunting Trips Booked at Cabela’s- I promise this one is not made up. People hunt doves? If you’re going to kill something symbolic for peace and joy, why don’t you cap some nuns instead? More meat on them than a damn dove at least.
- Find Sexy Girls- This one is ridiculous because if you are reading this site you are already surrounded by sexy girls. It’s the Station Atomica guarantee.
- Gold Exploration Company- Because the vast majority of readers here are owners of huge tracts of land just itching to start up a mine or two. Come to think of it, what is this ad’s demographic?
- Poker T-Shirts With Attitude- Poker? Anyone serious enough about poker to buy a poker shirt WITH ATTITUDE is either a gambling addict or a college kid in cheap shades trying to be the next Chris Moneymaker.
I’m really going to enjoy seeing the ads for this update. No I won’t take the Google ads down until I get off my ass and put something better in its place.
-Andy
Google never did anything for me except about 2 bucks worth of nothing, since they won’t give you the money till you get to, like, a hundred bucks or something. AH HA! That’s their evil scheme! They never pay out to 95% of the people who paste their stupid ads allover their blogs! I went with Bidvertizer, Kontera In Context Ads, PayPerPost, Smorty and anything else that seems like it might appeal to SOMEBODY. Because I don’t think Google DOES appeal to anyone. But I do love the way their competitors put ads on Google (you have one up there right now, at least you did when I was here). Of course there are about ten thousand ways to monetize your blog, as long as you have the numbers. Charge a fortune for Ad Space you sell yourself. Sell reviews for lots of money to people who WISH they had your numbers. Basically, take your fellow bloggers (who will be buying this stuff) for a REAL EXPENSIVE ride. Yee Haw!
I’m proud to say that I’ve been banned from AdSense for being “excessively awesome”. The current ad is for “Hurricane Relief” - Google’s version of the middle finger.
Oh, crap, that’s what Hurricane Relief means? I thought it meant that they recognized my inner Bono.
I just don’t like them on my site or my gmail when they seem to be blaming me, taunting me or telling my tales with rehab program ads or birth control options. Nosy bugger.
Ah well no big loss. I am keeping them around because, as weird as it sounds, they make my pages look better. Things are awful empty on the ole sidebars without some ads.
I wasn’t really expecting them to work anyways since I am pretty sure my readership is internet savvy and pretty much ad-blind. I’ll find some way to squeeze some blood from those motherfuckers if its the last thing I do though.
Karen: I am pretty leery about the whole “blog community” thing. I knew they existed, but I had no idea they were so insular till I started this puppy up. Honestly I am surprised at how well Station Atomica has been received in the communities I am a part of, and that is great, but what I really want to do is break out of the whole blog-o-sphere and into the internet at large.
That is where I am hitting a brick wall. As big as those communities are they are a tiny tiny fraction of what is out there. And I refuse to read the money money online blogs too so I am just hoping for word of mouth as of now.
Google search yourself and see where you turn up. I about fainted when I showed on the first page of my (very narrowly worded) search results. Because everyone googles everything. I wrote a post about this godawful stuffed dog toy that, no shit Andy, lifted it’s leg and peed. I got tons of hits of that post for no apparent reason. I also wrote a post about my colonoscopy, and I get hits on that almost daily…a lot of people are having to get them and they want to know what it is like. From someone who is not medical. That kind of stuff in search results is where you can get to the regular people. At least for me. Good Luck!
I am surprised how many times I show up on google’s first page for things. Not even that obscure, like “whopper discontinued” in regards to that burger king commercial. I get traffic from google a bit already. I have found a couple other first page results too. I just don’t like the fact that everything is so geared toward pleasing the Google Gods.
Hopefully I get all this start-up promotion and technical blog stuff out of the way so I can focus more on doing high quality updates.
Hey, I found your blog thru entrecard … and I’m Singaporean so I can appreciate your efforts in helping our law enforcers :D.
Seriously though, google adsense can be evil. I’ve gotten some money from them so I’m not complaining but sometimes I get 15 clicks and its worth a total of .97 cents and you’re wondering, gosh, Google just made a ton of money off of me. What’s up with that?
Yeah, search engines (all of them) and paying for adspace are really the only way to guarantee reaching the internet at large.
I used to get tons of search traffic from “explosive diarrhea” searches.
Wow, even being the poker enthusiast I am would never wear any sort of poker shirt…unless it were weaved out of $100 bills.
I just saw an ad in your sidebar titled, “Fix Atomica.exe” - nice going bro, looks like you named your blog after some sort of virus/worm/malware/spyware. Time to pick up, redesign the site, buy a new domain, and settle in at a new place.
yeeeah I found that out after I registered it. So pretty much I failed right out of the gate. You win some you lose some.