I have a confession to make. I hate viral sensations. Things like the Chuck Norris facts or Leroy Jenkins while occasionally tolerable the first time they are trotted out soon outstay their welcome. The quality of their content is rarely a factor in my dislike for the reason that anything will get old after having it shoved down your throat every time you want to use the internet. I mean I really like bacon a lot, but I wouldn’t be so keen on it if I were to eat it all day every day and have it pumped into my veins through an I.V. so the little clumps of fat and meat can clog my arteries and give me strokes.

The only thing worse than one of these viral internet phenomena is WhopperFreakout.com, Burger King’s entry into viral marketing (YouTube link here just in case.) Go ahead and watch it, just remember this turd of a video the next time you head to Burger King.

I’m not some filthy hippie being oppressed by The Man or anything, but there is something soulless and downright pathetic about a major company resorting to this crap. Some nerd sweating over a digital camcorder filming his partially nude and completely fat buddy sing “Spoon Full of Sugar” in order to be the latest YouTube sensation is one thing. Sure they might produce a piece of crap, but at least they they aren’t a room full of ad execs in their fifth meeting of the week when some Lumbergh lookalike says, “Hey I know, why don’t we discontinue the Whopper?”

The thing is, I think Burger King is usually pretty good with their marketing. I actually like The King as much as I can a fast food mascot. At the least he is a whole lot better than some goofy ass clown who just screams incompetence. He isn’t going to fuck up your order, then forget your drink and throw a pie in your face. No, he’s the ruling monarch of Burger Land or whatever, so you know he at least has the ability to flame broil that quarter pound patty to perfection.

Now I know I am not helping things out by linking back to WhopperFreakout, but it should be alright as long as everyone who reads this agrees on how dumb it is. I refuse to believe that the people depicted in the video aren’t paid actors, but if they truly are patrons then good lord that is even more pathetic. If I was informed that my chosen sandwich was unavailable, you can bet my eyes won’t mist over while I wax nostalgic about all the memories I have gobbling grease balls in a fast food joint. I imagine my response would be something like, “Oh, maybe I’ll get something else.” Or, “What the fuck am I doing in a Burger King when there’s a Culver’s in town.”

-Andy