I am operating under the assumption that you like wasting your time by virtue of your presence on this website, so in the interests of giving you more of what you want I am taking on the ultimate in worthless nerdiness: Star Wars vs Star Trek. It is a debate as old as history itself, or at least dates back to when the first Star Wars movie stepped onto the scene to challenge Star Trek for the title of “Who Can Attract The Fan Base With The Least Skin Pigmentation.”

This debate has grown especially prolific with the dawning of the internet, the ruiner of all things. More man hours have gone into calculating the thermal dissipation of the Enterprise’s shields against an Imperial Star Destroyer than the building of all pyramids in the world, Egyptian and Mayan. But hey, if I am ragging on it so bad why am I writing an update about it right? It might be because I’m an idiot, or it may have something to do with the amount of hate mail I will receive from basement dwelling nerds practically exploding their zits in hatred due to the increased blood pressure. I love to read hateful emails, so If you have ‘em, send ‘em to the address at the bottom of the article please.

Enough with the general introductions, it’s time to get to round one: Droid versus Android. I must mention that I lack all integrity and I have not viewed all of the “source material” available on the subject. This is because, while I am a huge nerd, I do have some taste. I have not seen some of ST: Deep Space Nine, most of ST: Voyager, or the last two Star Wars movies. Also if you expect me to read supposedly “canon” books on this crap, you can go eat a dick right now.

Both Star Wars and Star Trek contain prominent android characters. Star Wars had the tag team champions R2D2 and C3PO, while Star Trek: The Next Generation featured the emotionally crippled Data. Yeah, Yeah there are other prominent androids in both series, like the rolly-polly shoot-em-up guy in Star Wars Ep. 1, but I am pretty sure he was an enemy in the original Sonic the Hedgehog so we are going to stick to the guys we know and love. Round one starts NOW!

Physical Abilities

Well, I’m going to have to give this round to Data. Why? Because of the mere fact his locomotion isn’t impeded by ridiculous little tank treads or having a piece of re-bar shoved up his golden ass. Also he is able to move at least as fast as a crippled storm trooper, something the Odd Couple aren’t capable of doing. It’s a good thing there aren’t stairs everywhere in the Star Wars universe because those two would have been fucked the first time they had to navigate a speed bump with storm troopers behind them.

As for durability, It seems to be a wash. Data’s head can be buried underneath San Francisco for hundreds of years and still work, while Both 3PO and R2 have taken their licks. It helps that these guys just need to visit an engineer to feel right as rain. Also 3PO is modular enough to allow his torso to connect backwards on his hips. Not bad at all.

Utility is another story. R2 is basically a moving swiss army knife and has about a hundred different doodads and tools popping out of his ass like Inspector Gadget. 3PO, well what the hell is he good for? Do you really need an android around for the sole purpose of “being polite.” I can’t help but think that R2’s advantage would be nullified if Data carried a Leatherman though.

In a fight I am fairly sure I could take C3PO and R2 together. If things were going badly I would just back away 20 feet to catch my breath and wait the 5 minutes it would take them to reach me again. On the other hand, Data’s soulless yellow eyes would watch passionlessly as he ripped all of my limbs off and threw them 400 yards into a dumpster.

All in all, advantage: Data

Mental

Both Data and C3P0 seem to be able to perform quick calculations and spout out probability statistics, but only if the odds are the same as the odds this update will get my laid. HAHA ZING! Anyways, R2D2 seems to be the more vocational sort that went to a trade school, so his raw mental power doesn’t factor in here. I still don’t know why he doesn’t just, you know, talk.

C3PO has to be fairly smart to be able to convince people he is actually useful in some way, so that counts for a lot too. Both Data and the Dream Team have saved the lives of their respective friends countless times so I think this one is pretty damn even. Lets call this a draw until we can sit Data and C3PO down to a game of Starcraft, truly the thinking man’s game.

Winner: Tie!

Emotional

Oh this one belongs to the Kings of Geek Comedy, funny man R2D2 and straight man C3PO. Humor is an emotion right? Anyways at least these guys can get a laugh once in a while. Data’s attempts to drag people to the holodeck to watch his comedy routines always just end in his being pelted with rotten tomatoes replicated for just the occasion.

Even after getting his emotion chip, Data is still pretty damn clueless emotionally. The difference is that I laugh WITH 3PO and R2, and AT Data. Data was probably given thousands of wedgies before his time on the Enterprise, and even after. Even his best buddy, Geordi, probably felt like kicking his ass a few times when he stops working on his critical tasks to ask, “Why does everyone hate me?” for the fifteenth time that day.

Winner: R2D2 and C3PO

Tie Breaker

Data has boned at least one chick. This is infinitely more than the totals of both Star Trek and Star Wars fan bases. Tasha, while annoying, wasn’t hard on the eyes either. C3PO is a robot programmed for gayness, not that there is anything wrong with that. In both universes we have moved beyond bigotry based on sexual preferance. Even so I don’t think either 3PO or R2 ever got it on with anything more than a power outlet.

Final Decision: Data by 6 studly inches.

Check back for more in this ongoing series later on. Next up: weapons! Can a light saber kick a Bat’leth’s ass? The answer is yes.

-Andy