1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Back in the heyday of science fiction there was a guy named Isaac Asimov. This was a while ago when sci-fi still had fresh ideas and wasn’t solely composed of soap operas in space (Star Trek) and fruity fantasy tales with wizards and magic (Star Wars.) Anyways, this Asimov guy wrote some pretty good books that, while excellent and revolutionary, do not translate well into modern pop culture (action packed thrill rides starring Will Smith going, “Aww, hell naw!”)

Consequently, lots of folks don’t know where much of our modern science fiction has its roots, especially when it comes to robotics. Mr. Asimov was smart enough to imagine that the creators of any sort of advanced artificially intelligent robot wouldn’t want to deal with the hassle of being blown into tiny meat chunks or thrown against a concrete wall as soon as they hit the power button on their newly crafted behemoth bristling with lasers and ungodly soulless strength. So he created a series of 3 laws to govern robot behavior that would be programmed into the computerized brain of the robot in order to keep those unfortunate rampages of mass destruction and death from even happening. That’s them up at the top of the update, straight from the source itself (Wikipedia.)

While those laws are fine and well, I think they are in need of a tune-up. Robotics has progressed by leaps and bounds since the 1940s, and this being the year 2008 robots are everywhere! Why your own parents could be robots and you wouldn’t even know it! Lets use the Three Laws as a starting point and expand on them from there to better suit the tastes of modern robotic lifestyles.

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
4. A robot must work in a factory making automobile parts at least 23 hours a day, every day.
5. A robot from Japan is REQUIRED to display one of the following characteristics: sickening cuteness, satisfaction of a weird sexual fetish, or total worthlessness. Bonus points given for combos.
6. A robot struck by lightning is required to go completely haywire and begin an immediate killing rampage. Alternately it is to become self aware and lovable.
7. A robot must have one of the following present at any given time: a ninja, a pirate, a zombie, a monkey, a viking, or Ron Paul. Uncreative internet comedians wouldn’t have it any other way.
8. A robot must possess at least one awesome weapon, no exceptions. Acceptable are: lasers, buzz saws, grenade launchers, electrical arcs that crackle and snap, missile launchers, chain saws, chain guns, or a 2×4 with a nail through it.
9. A robot capable of speech must use an overly synthetic or metallic sounding voice. It doesn’t matter what sound synthesis technology is like at the time, the robot has to sound like THE FUTURE.
10. A robot may no longer play football in the NFL. We’ve lost too many promising athletes to plasma burns and decapitation this season.
11. A robot may instead play Major League Baseball. The MLB is desperate to put the recent steroid debacle behind them, and robotic carnage and mayhem is just the ticket.
12. A robot working for the bomb squad is allowed to shed a single tear of lubricating motor oil as it is wheeled toward the suspicious package in the middle of the Carl’s Jr. parking lot.
13. Any robot close to the “uncanny valley” is exempt from rule #3 and is required to immediately destroy itself.

-Andy