In the interests of writing an update I have decided to act like a whiny bitch and complain about my Christmas presents. Ah shuddup, you were disappointed with your haul too. Christmas is like a game of chess with many feints and posturings and plans within plans, all geared toward one goal: Extracting the most out of your relatives while giving the least in return so that you can lord over your plunder and gloat. Look at your sucker little brother there in the corner trying to look happy with the car air freshener you got him at the dollar store while you swim in a sea of expensive electronics.
Well I guess this philosophy has caught up to me because just look at the crapola I got this year:
- The last 5 seasons of The Simpsons on DVD. Totally worthless. –Thanks Joe!
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A $3 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble. –Thanks Walter!
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A binder containing the serial numbers of all the $1 bills my father has possessed in the last year. –Thanks Dad!
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$10 worth of condiment packages from Wendy’s. –Thanks Mike!
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A World of Warcraft free trial. –Thanks Bill!
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A folded paper towel with a quarter sized gob of mustache wax in the middle. –Thanks uncle Teddy!
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A set of stereo speakers that somehow constantly plays Chris Tucker quotes from the Fifth Element even with no power source. –Thanks Father Grigori!
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A digital camera that accurately captures a one pixel picture. –Thanks Aunt Jemima!
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A 16 piece socket wrench set made of the finest porcelain. –Thanks Abe Lincoln!
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An 8 place setting dinnerware set made of the finest lead. –Thanks Ingrid!
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A where’s Waldo book in braille. –Thanks Kevin!
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A package of inside out balloons. –Thanks Amos!
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Two VHS copies of Star Trek 4 (the one with the whales) both covered in honey. –Thanks Stimpy!
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A swiss army knife containing 10 different versions of the can opener and 3 identical tweezers. –Thanks Grampa Willy!
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A light up LED Christmas sweater that plays Jingle Bells Rock at the slightest movement. It’s a little too big. –Thanks old man winter!
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The world record longest single back hair encased in Lucite. –Thanks Frodo!
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Naugahyde boxers. –Thanks James Dean!
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The soul of my deceased cat Charlie encased in Lucite. –Thanks Jimmy Dean!
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King Tut’s cursed penis. –Thanks Keebler Elves!
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The latest distro of Ubuntu Linux (HAW HAW HAW!) –Thanks Ayn Rand!
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My entire family’s lifetime savings of toenail clippings carefully packed in 21 mason jars. –Thanks Ernesto!
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Set of mint condition generation 2 transformers. Uh, HELLO generation 2 is teh suck. Don’t bother unless you can complete my generation 1 series. I mean seriously. –Thanks uncle Pete!
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YOUR ASS HAHAHAHAHA! –Thanks grizzled prospector!
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Love and companionship among friends and family. I mean how cheap can you get?
-Andy
wow, that’s some fine shit there. I got a whole lot of soap (I guess I stink) 6 bars of french milled scented stuff and a gallon container of Doctor Bronner’s Peppermint Soap (Thanks Mom!); a flashlight you wind up to make work to go with the OTHER 10 flashlights I’ve gotten over the years (Thanks Dad!); some hate mail from my detested sister (thanks sis!); a notice from some lawyer they were about to do something or other to us (thanks American Legal System!); and last but not least a jar of horseradish (thanks baby bro!). I think you’ve got me beat though. Of course that legal document is a pretty good kick in the nuts, and on Christmas Eve too! I wonder if they time ‘em to show up like that? Bastards.
I figured since my christmas wasn’t actually bad that i should write something about it. I would be very silent on the matter if it had actually been horrible. At least you got some horseradish out of the deal I guess.
I made a freakin’ haul this year but being out at various family functions all day last night and having to work today, I haven’t been able to play with ANY of my new toys.
Andy I was actually cutting out the cool presents. I did get all those OTHER things, but I also got a Canon PowerShot A570 IS with two 2GB memory cards, some pretty girly type stuff, and some CASH, always an excellent choice. I’m sorry dear, if I made you feel bad about such a remarkably hilarious post! You know I love ya baby.
Ha whoa we got the exact same camera! I haven’t got a chance to play with it yet, but it should do better than my old stone age powershot. I think it was the prototype for canon’s first digital camera.
Just wanted to thank you for the game Andy. Started it up yesterday. Very interesting, very fun, but also pretty tough. Really cool though.