Previous Horoscopes

Aries

3/21-4/19

Your relationships will suffer as that urge to kill manifests itself later in the week. Don’t panic if the voices seem to scream for the blood of innocents. In the words of Ghandi, “Wait until they’re asleep, then you can whack ‘em over the head with a wrench. Nobody screams and there’s nothing to worry about.”

Taurus

4/20-5/20

You have to believe in yourself if you ever want to charm that special someone. Go on little buddy, anythings possible if you just believe. Why, did you know you can even fly if you believe hard enough? All you have to do is find a high enough spot like a canyon or a Sears Tower and believe really hard as you jump off and into the clouds!

Gemini

5/21-6/21

Hey, for once the problem isn’t your circumstances or other people, it’s YOU. That’s right, you better start shaping up, poindexter. I mean look at you. Lousy job, lousy family, and to top it off you’re ugly. Get out of my face; you disgust me.

Cancer

6/22-7/22

Yeah yeah, I don’t know what’s up with the goofy sign for Cancer either. I think these things were drawn a long-ass time ago when people didn’t know shit about animals. Some jerk in a hovel probably just hiked his ass up to the local monastery and asked the monks if he could see the “Ye Olde Beastiary” because he didn’t know what the hell a crab was supposed to look like. So that is the reason your sign looks like a crawdad.

Leo

7/23-8/22

Stop right there. You’re being watched. Don’t turn around. The light fixture has a camera in it. Keep reading this like nothing unusual is happening. This was the only way I could get the message to you. They’re trying to figure out if you know about their plans. The important thing now is to lay low, and don’t draw attention to yourself. There’s nothing more I can do for you. You will get a call with further instructions.

Virgo

8/23-9/22

It may seem as though you are not in control lately. That’s because you aren’t. I’m not really one to give advice, but if I were you I’d put my foot down. I mean why shouldn’t you have pork chops for dinner tonight, and every other night?!? Life’s a one shot deal, and don’t let you-know-who interfere with your dreams of a PORK CHOP PALACE.

Libra

9/23-10/22

Hey buddy, wanna know a secret? IDDQD. Congratulations, you now know the secret of the universe and are the most powerful being imaginable. You don’t need to read the horoscopes anymore, you make the horoscopes for all those other sad mofos out there.

Scorpio

10/23-11/21

The phases of the moon and the position of Jupiter in the Antares cluster mean that your normal steadfastness may become a hindrance in the near future. Wait for your energy points to align with the aaaisduf AUUUURRGHGH ASTROLOGY IS SO GODDAMN DUMB AND YOU SHOULD FEEL HORRIBLE IF YOU BELIEVE EVEN AN OUNCE OF IT.

Sagittarius

11/22-12/21

Try not to feel too horrible for the mistakes of the past. Progress can be made only if you forgive yourself. I know, those kids in the orphanage were looking forward to Christmas more than anything. It’s true that their screams echoed through the night as they roasted alive with the building burning around them. I know how hard it is to forget about their tiny bodies throwing themselves futilely against the heavy doors blocked on the other side by none other than yourself. Time heals all wounds though, and what you want can be yours if you convince yourself that you deserve it.

Capricorn

12/22-1/19

Big plans this week, huh? Got it all worked out, right? Well, we’ll see about that. I’m the horoscope writer, and I’LL tell you when you have plans, got it? So you just take it easy. If I’m feeling like it I’ll write something about the Lotto or a giant diamond. Then again, I could just write about the International Space Station suddenly losing orbit and turning your ass into strawberry jam. Yeah, that’s the ticket…

Aquarius

1/20-2/18

FAAAAAART Sorry, there seems to be a problem with your horoscope here. FARTZ Uh, You’ll have to come back later when we have this straightened out. ~FaAaaaAAAaRRRrRT~ Not sure what the :::##FFFAAAAAUUUAUAUUARRRRTTT##::: problem (fart) is -=FARTZZZ=- but we’ll have it figured out in a little bit. {fart}

Pisces

2/19-3/20

This morning’s going to suck but you will find a million dollars in a briefcase this afternoon. So yeah, I’m done right? No more horoscopes to write. Yeah, definitely a million dollars, maybe 2 million. So if that’s it I’m going to go now. Alright…

well…

okay then, see ya later.

-Andy