A while back, a buddy and I were standing over the mangled corpse of my newly created website, Station Atomica, trying to think of ways we could rape more money out of this heap. Ads were a bust since most of the visitors to this site seem to be smart enough not to mash their mouse button to get great deals on Harry Potter and the Dragon Wizard Magic Expressway DVD. My friend was of the opinion that t-shirts were the answer to all my prayers, and as soon as I put up a link to some nerdy online t-shirt store it would be as if I had opened a wormhole directly into Bill Gates’ gold bullion storage shed.
He sent me a link to a little place called T-Shirt Hell. Let me make it perfectly clear that I would be a sad panda if anyone clicking on that link were to buy something from that shit pile. There is no excuse for those shirts. I don’t care if you buy them ironically and only wear them to your Dungeons and Dragons meetings Saturday nights in your mom’s basement. You are still a jackass.
Since T-Shirt Hell seems to be taking a no-holds-barred, tellin’ it like it is approach to their products, I thought I would help them out a little and improve upon some of their existing designs. Remember, I’m just tellin’ it like it is, and adding back designs to these shirts just makes them that much more in-yo-face-ish. Also if anyone has a problem with me swiping their superb designs for this update they can shuddup right now because half of T-Shirt Hell’s designs themselves use unlicensed characters and imagery. Let’s get this show on the road!
First, a little something for the racist mongoloid mowing your lawn. I added the back to this already excellent front just because somebody needs to think of all those poor, barely trying Americans threatened by them dirty Mexicans!
Here’s a design for an alcoholic with attitude. Don’t trip over his trail of failure on the way to the fridge, woman!
Hooo Boooy! Midgets? MIDGETS! Oh man I seriously can’t think of something funnier, or more RANDOM than a midget! But they did it! Do you see the tiny gun? AHAHAHAHAHA!
Hey everybody, it’s 4:20. Smoke your way to apathy (and stupidity) with this shirt proclaiming your support for your mind expanding aid of choice. Blowjobs and weed, together at last.
Stick it to them uppity Negroes with this insensitive beauty. You’ll be the belle of the ball. Now with 25% less class!
Know a tough guy? Is he so tough he’ll knock you out for getting him an inappropriate gift? Your worries are over! Now everyone will know how manly he is! Available only in sizes small and tent.
He has DRUGS! What a delightful and complex parody. Let them know what kind of person you really are with this quality shirt.
That’s it for now folks! Remember, don’t buy clothes from T-Shirt Hell because it is one of the worst stores on the internet.
-Andy
You see, I am not about to offer anything valuable in a contest, because if I had anything like that I would have transformed it into video games and hookers with the magic of the free market. And I’m not going to do a standard win-some-Entrecard-credits by-sucking-Station-Atomica-off, because nobody cares. In fact, for those of you who don’t know what “Entrecard credits” are, feel free to substitute the words “Monopoly money” in their place.
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