Deus Ex was probably the second best game ever made. The terrible voice acting, mishmash of conspiracy theories and technical bugs are trivial. I picked this game up at a Sam’s Club the week it was released because the box looked cool, and it is the best game purchase I have ever made. Here are some videos to watch or something I don’t know, just check it out would ya?
Classic
“What a shame…” It sure is you murdering jackass.
Kid shouldn’t be toying with someone’s life, least of all a nanoaugmented badass with a rocket launcher.
The game gets even better when you fuck around with it some
“He’s way too fast!”
In conclusion, I think I’m going to reinstall and play this game again. Peace niggas.
-Andy
Klingons are a large, robust species with a distinctive “lumpy turd” patterning on their forehead. This patterning also manifests itself on one of the adult male’s buttocks, although there rare cases of both buttocks being patterned.
Klingons may be found nesting in temperate marshes, swamps, or biker bars. Their covering of black leather and metals shields them from direct sunlight; something most Klingons are allergic to. Klingons prefer to feed on large worms and grubs found in the ground. Scavenging of these is aided by a type of motion detection picked up by the forehead lumps. Those wishing to attract Klingons to the area can do so by leaving bowls of earthworms in a secluded corner of the yard, although similar results can be obtained using Cheetos, hot wings, or burritos.
Vulcans are a species characterized by pointed ears and dark, immaculately groomed hair. They can be found in high altitude deserts in nests constructed of natural materials. Those wishing to spot Vulcans in the wild should be careful not to give away their presence, as a spooked Vulcan will often retreat into nearby caves and may remain hidden for weeks thereafter.
The distinctive pointed ears are used for mating purposes in males, and during the breeding season (March-June) will grow to many times their normal size, sprouting antlers. These are used in contests of strength between competing males, much like an elk or deer.
Cardassians are a subterranean species with pale, armor plated skin. Due to the absence of light in their natural environment, their eyes are mostly vestigial, able to distinguish only roughly between light and dark.
Cardassians subsist on a diet of cave dwelling animals including bats, centipedes, and D&D nerds in their mother’s basements. Cardassian mothers give birth to 2-5 caterpillar-like offspring each year, and will stay with them until they metamorphose after 6 months.
One thing that irks my Nerdance to no end is when science fiction stories dealing with advanced science and galaxy spanning civilizations suddenly throw in stuff that technologically hearkens back to the good ole days of WWII or earlier. I don’t expect perfection in my cheese ridden space operas, but if something already exists that is better than the equivalent you are depicting in your show/movie/book, well you screwed up. Today’s continuation of 
The ship mounted phasers are cool, and seem to have a decent range as well. They seem to use pinpoint computer targeting like you would imagine a big ass particle weapon from the future would use. What’s more, you never see shots of cadets in star trek lining shit up with old tyme iron sights in order to guesstimate their target. The torpedoes are another story. While cool in theory, they never seemed to pack the punch they should. I see shots of torpedoes tearing through the hull of a ship, and I can’t help but think, “damn if that thing was a nuke they would have been toast.”
What struck me about the weapon systems in Star Wars is how god damn slow the lasers move. Like, you can see the light crawling away from you slower than a Major League pitch. Combine that with the need to manually aim the turrets like something from a WWII era B-17 and I’m surprised they ever hit anything. I’m sure there are crew members who have manned those turrets their entire 30 year career in the Empire who have never hit a damn thing. The proton torpedoes are also manually aimed. Jesus, did all the computer technology in the universe go into making golden robots of questionable sexuality? I’m pretty sure an army guy in a Humvee could dodge Imperial Weaponry, so the US army wins again.
Now Phasers are all power and no finesse. You know that part when Darth Vader blocks Han’s blaster with his hands in Cloud City? If he tried that shit to a Federation officer he would have a split second to look at his non-existent hand before the rest of his body vaporised. A tiny personal phaser can destroy shit at the atomic level, but the problem is use. Their rate of fire sucks! They emit a long drawn out beam that takes a half an hour to dissipate before they can fire again. So what you get in Star Trek is firefights identical to old westerns where the two sides huddle behind some rocks and take pot shots at each other. A trained squad of Marines would eat Enterprise security forces for breakfast.
The standard issue ranged weapon in Star Wars is the Blaster. Aside from having a ridiculous name these things are weak as shit. I’m pretty sure I could stop a blaster with my hand if I had black leather gloves like Vader. At most they throw a few sparks and make a little puff of smoke. Also they are horribly inaccurate. Maybe the Stormtroopers are retarded (a topic for later), but there has to be a reason they never hit anything. Perhaps the Empire needs tighter quality control to make sure blasters don’t fire a good 15 degrees off plumb. Forget the military, the Keystone Cops could take out a battalion of Stormtroopers.
Welp, The Best I could come up with for Star Trek is something called the bat’leth. It is a traditional Klingon weapon, and while it might look cool, it is most definitely stupid. Hard to use, weighting a good 20 lbs, and made of solid steel it looks like one of those cheesy fantasy knives you can get in the cutlery place in the mall. A baseball bat would be a better weapon. Hell, a paring knife might be superior based on how fast I imagine a bat’leth user would hurt themselves. What a joke.
The Light Saber is the holy grail of Star Wars weapons, and with this the series makes up for its stumbles in the other categories. I’m not saying it is the most effective weapon or anything. Unless the force lets you slow down time Matrix style I think a Jedi would have a hard time blocking all the rounds from a decent machine gun, but as a hand-to-hand weapon it is definitely better than anything we have these days. Imagine owning one… I could slice AND cook my vegetables all at once! I could get rid of half my power tools! I could finally open those plastic nightmare packages all electronics come in! I would be invincible!
Back in the heyday of science fiction there was a guy named Isaac Asimov. This was a while ago when sci-fi still had fresh ideas and wasn’t solely composed of soap operas in space (Star Trek) and fruity fantasy tales with wizards and magic (Star Wars.) Anyways, this Asimov guy wrote some pretty good books that, while excellent and revolutionary, do not translate well into modern pop culture (action packed thrill rides starring Will Smith going, “Aww, hell naw!”)
Consequently, lots of folks don’t know where much of our modern science fiction has its roots, especially when it comes to robotics. Mr. Asimov was smart enough to imagine that the creators of any sort of advanced artificially intelligent robot wouldn’t want to deal with the hassle of being blown into tiny meat chunks or thrown against a concrete wall as soon as they hit the power button on their newly crafted behemoth bristling with lasers and ungodly soulless strength. So he created a series of 3 laws to govern robot behavior that would be programmed into the computerized brain of the robot in order to keep those unfortunate rampages of mass destruction and death from even happening. That’s them up at the top of the update, straight from the source itself (Wikipedia.)
A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
A robot must have one of the following present at any given time: a ninja, a pirate, a zombie, a monkey, a viking, or Ron Paul. Uncreative internet comedians wouldn’t have it any other way.
A robot working for the bomb squad is allowed to shed a single tear of lubricating motor oil as it is wheeled toward the suspicious package in the middle of the Carl’s Jr. parking lot.
I am operating under the assumption that you like wasting your time by virtue of your presence on this website, so in the interests of giving you more of what you want I am taking on the ultimate in worthless nerdiness: Star Wars vs Star Trek. It is a debate as old as history itself, or at least dates back to when the first Star Wars movie stepped onto the scene to challenge Star Trek for the title of “Who Can Attract The Fan Base With The Least Skin Pigmentation.”
This debate has grown especially prolific with the dawning of the internet, the ruiner of all things. More man hours have gone into calculating the thermal dissipation of the Enterprise’s shields against an Imperial Star Destroyer than the building of all pyramids in the world, Egyptian and Mayan. But hey, if I am ragging on it so bad why am I writing an update about it right? It might be because I’m an idiot, or it may have something to do with the amount of hate mail I will receive from basement dwelling nerds practically exploding their zits in hatred due to the increased blood pressure. I love to read hateful emails, so If you have ‘em, send ‘em to the address at the bottom of the article please.
Enough with the general introductions, it’s time to get to round one: Droid versus Android. I must mention that I lack all integrity and I have not viewed all of the “source material” available on the subject. This is because, while I am a huge nerd, I do have some taste. I have not seen some of ST: Deep Space Nine, most of ST: Voyager, or the last two Star Wars movies. Also if you expect me to read supposedly “canon” books on this crap, you can go eat a dick right now.
Well, I’m going to have to give this round to Data. Why? Because of the mere fact his locomotion isn’t impeded by ridiculous little tank treads or having a piece of re-bar shoved up his golden ass. Also he is able to move at least as fast as a crippled storm trooper, something the Odd Couple aren’t capable of doing. It’s a good thing there aren’t stairs everywhere in the Star Wars universe because those two would have been fucked the first time they had to navigate a speed bump with storm troopers behind them.
In a fight I am fairly sure I could take C3PO and R2 together. If things were going badly I would just back away 20 feet to catch my breath and wait the 5 minutes it would take them to reach me again. On the other hand, Data’s soulless yellow eyes would watch passionlessly as he ripped all of my limbs off and threw them 400 yards into a dumpster.
C3PO has to be fairly smart to be able to convince people he is actually useful in some way, so that counts for a lot too. Both Data and the Dream Team have saved the lives of their respective friends countless times so I think this one is pretty damn even. Lets call this a draw until we can sit Data and C3PO down to a game of Starcraft, truly the thinking man’s game.
Oh this one belongs to the Kings of Geek Comedy, funny man R2D2 and straight man C3PO. Humor is an emotion right? Anyways at least these guys can get a laugh once in a while. Data’s attempts to drag people to the holodeck to watch his comedy routines always just end in his being pelted with rotten tomatoes replicated for just the occasion.
Data has boned at least one chick. This is infinitely more than the totals of both Star Trek and Star Wars fan bases. Tasha, while annoying, wasn’t hard on the eyes either. C3PO is a robot programmed for gayness, not that there is anything wrong with that. In both universes we have moved beyond bigotry based on sexual preferance. Even so I don’t think either 3PO or R2 ever got it on with anything more than a power outlet.
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