Gaze into my crystal ball and see what the year 2008 will bring. Here’s what I think will happen:
- Flying cars finally introduced to the American consumer. 20 million deaths recorded in the first quarter alone.
- Nasa comes up with self replicating nanotech technology. Coincidentally, an ever-expanding cloud of nanites begins to engulf the middle east destroying everything in its path.
- Catastrophic gas range malfunction causes massive appliance recall after it is found they are able to achieve orbit under certain settings.
- New M&M color introduced: clear, with no chocolate.
- Newly discovered journal of Pablo Picasso found in an attic somewhere details his painting technique of shoving the brush up his ass and scooting around on the canvas.
- Osama bin Laden found to be dead when his latest video is revealed to be a Weekend at Bernie’s ripoff, right down to the scenes and dialog.
- MySpace merges with YouTube and Facebook to create MyFaceTube, and collapsing the entire internet under the weight of its own worthlessness. The beginning of a new dark age ensues.
- In a political Cinderella story, Ron Paul is elected to the presidency due to an overwhelming internet grassroots campaign, but is impeached and imprisoned a week later for running a child porn ring out of the white house.
- God finally gets tired of Richard Dawkins always shit talking him and beats the hell out of him outside a London pub. Is sentenced to 6 months in the trial of the century.
- Diablo 3 is announced by Blizzard Entertainment. 2008 also sees the first company headquarters constructed entirely out of $100 bills.
- The RIAA eventually tries to argue that listening to your own CDs in a CD player is copyright infringement because a listener’s brain is a device that can record and store copies of a song illegally.
- The rest of the world bands together to celebrate the first official “America Sucks” day. We continue to not give a shit what the rest of the world thinks.
- Apple continues its current business model announcing the iCamera, iWatch, iToaster, iFridge and iCotton Gin. Everyone finally gets tired of this crap and Apple fan-boys are shot on sight.
- Artificial Intelligence is finally created, but is found to appreciate only fart jokes.
- The PS3 doubles its North American install base to 100 consoles. Unfortunately there are still no games for it, and it is found to be made entirely of asbestos.
- Boners are declared illegal in 8 states.
- Boners are declared mandatory in 12 states.
- To everyone’s amazement, Enzyte is proven to make your dick bigger in a nationwide double-blind experiment. It’s a long shot but sometimes you have to throw in something for the underdogs.
-Andy
In the interests of writing an update I have decided to act like a whiny bitch and complain about my Christmas presents. Ah shuddup, you were disappointed with your haul too. Christmas is like a game of chess with many feints and posturings and plans within plans, all geared toward one goal: Extracting the most out of your relatives while giving the least in return so that you can lord over your plunder and gloat. Look at your sucker little brother there in the corner trying to look happy with the car air freshener you got him at the dollar store while you swim in a sea of expensive electronics.
I am going to blame the whole Web 2.0 scam that has been floating around for a while now. That is why I have established the Station Atomica Web 2.0 Oversight and Evaluation Board (myself being the director as well as the sole member.) My goal is to quantify the effects of this development and find out what the heck is up with this crap, because while acceptance of the internet by society at large may seem like a good idea there will undoubtedly be some side effects. For instance I am now able to openly walk down the street wearing my favorite pair of Spock ears and talk about how I am a blogger without being thrown into a vat of acid inside of an insane asylum. We all agree that this is a good thing, but as a result of our new tolerance of nerddom is the fact that somebody can make an entire website detailing their obsession with drawing closeups of cat’s assholes and then link back to catassholegallery.com in their facebook account. And we are supposed to be okay with this.
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