Archive for the 'Weakly Astrology' Category

Weakly Astrology for 3-3-08

Published on March 3, 2008 in Features and Weakly Astrology. 3 Comments

Previous Horoscopes

Aries

3/21-4/19

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Lottery Jackpot Time! And boy oh boy, it’s about time too. You’ve worked hard to get where you are and all that ass busting and saving is about to pay off big. Forgo the usual single ticket at the gas station on the way home from work and splurge on at least 100 of ‘em! The crab nebula is in your constellation this week, and that means buying 100 tickets will increase your odds of winning by 100 times! I guarantee it!

Taurus

4/20-5/20

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Don’t be too ambitious this week. I know jobs don’t find themselves, but what could one more solid week of unemployment hurt? It’s not like anyone NEEDS your skills at all. Protip: Cheetos are great dipped in Hidden Valley Ranch.

Gemini

5/21-6/21

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Your spouse or boss may try to part ways this week by firing/divorcing you. Try to weather the storm by being a total suck-up. Don’t worry about seeming to transparent about it either, get ‘em a big box of candy in a heart shaped box. And for the significant other shit I don’t know get them an apron or some crap.

Cancer

6/22-7/22

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You will take a penny/leave a penny… that’s all I got sorry.

 

 

Leo

7/23-8/22

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Today is a great day to institute change on a grand scale. Try to affect your world in a positive way by starting a petition or letter writing campaign. Not one of those worthless online petitions either. We’ll get another Star Trek series on the air if it’s the last thing we do. Paramount can’t hold back the flood any longer. TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GOME BEFORE! WHO’S WITH ME?! If you are rich, just finance more episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. That would be okay too.

Virgo

8/23-9/22

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Man, lemme tell ya man. Ya can’t trust anyone, ya know? Ya hear what I’m sayin’ man? It’s the corporations man, that’s like all there is. They own us. They own Washington and they own you man. Stop living in dream eating whatever the government shoves at ya. Think on your own for a change.

Libra

9/23-10/22

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It would be really cool if you socked someone in the nuts today and filmed it. Put it up on YouTube or something cause I feel like lollin for the lulz. Just wait outside of a convenience store pretending you work there with a broom or something and jam the handle into some guy’s nards. Lulz upon lulz FTW.

Scorpio

10/23-11/21

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That old Gypsy curse you came down with is going to start acting up today. Try not to cook or expose yourself to chemicals today (bar soap counts as a chemical), as you may find yourself highly flammable. Watch out for birds pecking your eyes out and any computer equipment you use may end up exploding in a shower of razor sharp shrapnel. There was something else too, but I forgot…

Sagittarius

11/22-12/21

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Stop reading now. If U are readin this still U have 2 repost this horoscope 10 times or U will DIE! Ur fingers will also turn into small hands. The fingers on those hands will also be replaced with even smaller hands. The fingers on those will be made of delicious shrimp scampi.

Capricorn

12/22-1/19

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Start annoying your friends by pointing out everything they do wrong. Hey, since you are reading this horoscope you have the inside track right? When one of your buddies talks about something like it’s a fact, be sure to contradict him in the most awkward way possible. People need to leave their comfort zone once in a while, and you’re just the “wacky” jackass to do it.

Aquarius

1/20-2/18

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Your sense of humor is one of your strongest assets this week. How do I know you have a great sense of humor? Why, because you’re here at Station Atomica of course! Station Atomica has all sorts of hilarious, original content you can’t find anywhere else, not like those OTHER sites. Remember to visit Station Atomica every day, and be on the lookout for Station Atomica license plate frames and napkin holders, coming soon. Station Atomica.

Pisces

2/19-3/20

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Your quest is to retrieve 20 rat’s gizzards from the Plains of Desolation. ‘Course there are 1000 other people I just gave this quest to, and they’re all at the Plains of Desolation already. Also, despite popular belief, rats are extremely rare creatures and only one in twenty rats has a spleen. Did I say gizzard before? Spleen, gizzard, who knows what I mean, maybe I’m not even talking about rats at all. Good Luck! See you in five hours and I might give you a cucumber skin jerkin or a pair of moth fur bracers!

-Andy

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Weakly Astrology for 2-25-08

Published on February 25, 2008 in Features and Weakly Astrology. 4 Comments

Previous Horoscopes

Aries

3/21-4/19

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Your relationships will suffer as that urge to kill manifests itself later in the week. Don’t panic if the voices seem to scream for the blood of innocents. In the words of Ghandi, “Wait until they’re asleep, then you can whack ‘em over the head with a wrench. Nobody screams and there’s nothing to worry about.”

Taurus

4/20-5/20

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You have to believe in yourself if you ever want to charm that special someone. Go on little buddy, anythings possible if you just believe. Why, did you know you can even fly if you believe hard enough? All you have to do is find a high enough spot like a canyon or a Sears Tower and believe really hard as you jump off and into the clouds!

Gemini

5/21-6/21

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Hey, for once the problem isn’t your circumstances or other people, it’s YOU. That’s right, you better start shaping up, poindexter. I mean look at you. Lousy job, lousy family, and to top it off you’re ugly. Get out of my face; you disgust me.

Cancer

6/22-7/22

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Yeah yeah, I don’t know what’s up with the goofy sign for Cancer either. I think these things were drawn a long-ass time ago when people didn’t know shit about animals. Some jerk in a hovel probably just hiked his ass up to the local monastery and asked the monks if he could see the “Ye Olde Beastiary” because he didn’t know what the hell a crab was supposed to look like. So that is the reason your sign looks like a crawdad.

Leo

7/23-8/22

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Stop right there. You’re being watched. Don’t turn around. The light fixture has a camera in it. Keep reading this like nothing unusual is happening. This was the only way I could get the message to you. They’re trying to figure out if you know about their plans. The important thing now is to lay low, and don’t draw attention to yourself. There’s nothing more I can do for you. You will get a call with further instructions.

Virgo

8/23-9/22

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It may seem as though you are not in control lately. That’s because you aren’t. I’m not really one to give advice, but if I were you I’d put my foot down. I mean why shouldn’t you have pork chops for dinner tonight, and every other night?!? Life’s a one shot deal, and don’t let you-know-who interfere with your dreams of a PORK CHOP PALACE.

Libra

9/23-10/22

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Hey buddy, wanna know a secret? IDDQD. Congratulations, you now know the secret of the universe and are the most powerful being imaginable. You don’t need to read the horoscopes anymore, you make the horoscopes for all those other sad mofos out there.

Scorpio

10/23-11/21

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The phases of the moon and the position of Jupiter in the Antares cluster mean that your normal steadfastness may become a hindrance in the near future. Wait for your energy points to align with the aaaisduf AUUUURRGHGH ASTROLOGY IS SO GODDAMN DUMB AND YOU SHOULD FEEL HORRIBLE IF YOU BELIEVE EVEN AN OUNCE OF IT.

Sagittarius

11/22-12/21

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Try not to feel too horrible for the mistakes of the past. Progress can be made only if you forgive yourself. I know, those kids in the orphanage were looking forward to Christmas more than anything. It’s true that their screams echoed through the night as they roasted alive with the building burning around them. I know how hard it is to forget about their tiny bodies throwing themselves futilely against the heavy doors blocked on the other side by none other than yourself. Time heals all wounds though, and what you want can be yours if you convince yourself that you deserve it.

Capricorn

12/22-1/19

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Big plans this week, huh? Got it all worked out, right? Well, we’ll see about that. I’m the horoscope writer, and I’LL tell you when you have plans, got it? So you just take it easy. If I’m feeling like it I’ll write something about the Lotto or a giant diamond. Then again, I could just write about the International Space Station suddenly losing orbit and turning your ass into strawberry jam. Yeah, that’s the ticket…

Aquarius

1/20-2/18

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FAAAAAART Sorry, there seems to be a problem with your horoscope here. FARTZ Uh, You’ll have to come back later when we have this straightened out. ~FaAaaaAAAaRRRrRT~ Not sure what the :::##FFFAAAAAUUUAUAUUARRRRTTT##::: problem (fart) is -=FARTZZZ=- but we’ll have it figured out in a little bit. {fart}

Pisces

2/19-3/20

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This morning’s going to suck but you will find a million dollars in a briefcase this afternoon. So yeah, I’m done right? No more horoscopes to write. Yeah, definitely a million dollars, maybe 2 million. So if that’s it I’m going to go now. Alright…

well…

okay then, see ya later.

-Andy

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Weakly Astrology for 2-18-08

Published on February 18, 2008 in Features and Weakly Astrology. 4 Comments

Aries

3/21-4/19

aries.pngDon’t let your modesty keep you from the credit you deserve, you beautiful, talented Godling. Be wary of those trying to butter you up by telling you what you want to hear though, even if you are the most charismatic, attractive, and amazing human this world has ever seen. Take some time today to work on your one armed push-ups, the fate of the world may soon depend on it.

Taurus

4/20-5/20

taurus.pngSomething good will happen this week because of a wonderful characteristic you think you posses. Watch out for that person you don’t like and remember to stick to the things you know. It’s a good time to remember your friend(s) because they will help during difficult spots. Oh yeah, your precious pet dog will be killed and eaten by a vicious male orangutan fugitive from the local zoo. He will then choke to death on the dog’s collar.

Gemini

5/21-6/21

gemini.pngNow would be the time to go for a big promotion. I’ll make sure everything’s taken care of. Competition? Heh, lets just say their horoscope isn’t looking too rosy, if you know what I mean. Oh yeah, but watch out for problems originating in your, uh, crotchical region. Hey, man! I’m the guy writing the money/success portion of the horoscope, I got nothing to do with the love-life parts! Chuck writes those and word is he has it out for you. Just giving you a heads up is all.

Cancer

6/22-7/22

cancer.png Your ass is getting cancer! Big surprise, right? I mean, you couldn’t NOT think it would end this way. Anyways, better get some living done while you still can, because that tumor is on a roll and it can’t be stopped. On the bright side, your emotions will be a source of inner strength as the radiation treatment makes you glow in the dark like a lightning bug.

Leo

7/23-8/22

leo.pngResist the urge to rob, murder, and kidnap today, as the position of Venus in the night sky means you may fail in these activities. Instead focus your energies closer to home. This week is an excellent one to start a meth lab. Watch out for the nosy neighbor next door, though. A brick or two through her window when Mars reaches perihelion should do the trick.

Virgo

8/23-9/22

virgo.pngEmbarrassing flatulence can cost you greatly in the week ahead. If that jackass Chad in human resources says anything about it be sure to bite his nose off. The spectacle he makes screaming and spraying blood from the disfigured stump on his face will cheer everyone’s day up. Don’t worry, everyone’s got your back on this, even your supervisor. DOOOOOO IT.

Libra

9/23-10/22

libra.pngYour moon phases are going into retrograde at 2 am on the 23rd, meaning that your 3rd chakra is going to cause an imbalance in the energy ribbons of YOUR ASS. The asteroid belt is interfering with your psychic readings, and we have a warp-core breach on deck 13, engineering section. Better set phasers to kill and ready a spread of photon torpedoes. Helm, ahead 1/4 impulse.

Scorpio

10/23-11/21

scorpio.pngBad ass! Your sign is a scorpion! You are going to kick ass all this week and into the next. If a friend gives you a hard time, just uppercut him in his jaw and make his teeth fly around like it’s raining Tic-Tacs. What’s his non-scorpion ass going to do? The only problem arises when the cops show up because one of them might be a Scorpio as well, so tread carefully. Also, turn your difficulties into chances to excel, and kill that Scorpio cop to absorb his scorpion power.

Sagittarius

11/22-12/21

sagittarius.pngYou better pay off Carl today because the stars show baseball bats in your kneecaps’ future. Maybe if you had listened to me 3 months ago when I told you to avoid gambling this wouldn’t be happening now. But nooooo, you had to book that trip to Vegas and now you’re in over your head. What if he finds the body, huh? You’ll have to kill him, you know. Signs point to another gory night with a hacksaw and Hefty garbage bags for you.
Capricorn

12/22-1/19

capricorn.pngThe family farm needs ya this week. Food’s low and uncle Jesse’s bum leg got infected something fierce. You said you was gonna send money back when you got a job in tha big city. Paw thinks you done forgot all about us. I still believe in ya though. Just being back some medicine quick before the snow hits.

Your Beloved Sister,

Suzanna Marie

Aquarius

1/20-2/18

aquarius.pngWealth and prosperity is in your family. Be sure to tip the waiter! You will find lots of gold.

Lucky numbers: 3, 6, 11, 13, 21, 26.

#1 Super Buffet.

Pisces

2/19-3/20

pisces2.pngYour love life could suffer this week unless you show your sensitive side. Try to treat your mate to something special. Let her out of your basement dungeon to see natural sunlight for the first time in three years. This isn’t to say splurging is the order of the day, and an uncontrolled “date” could lead to complications down the road. Don’t let her out of your sight. She belongs to YOU. Singles: Buy a shovel and get digging. Basement dungeons don’t excavate themselves.

-Andy

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