Many websites claim to pull no punches. The webmasters boast that nothing is sacred, and that by reading their site you are guaranteed to be offended. Then they go and make jokes about airline food and use the word “fuck” a lot. Wow.
“RATED-R” they claim, or, “Adults only!”
“If my opinions bother you then go to H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS.” maybe.
While I have never been one to strive for the “most bullshit offensive website” title belt, I could easily beat out 90% of those that claim it. I am not new to the internet, and have been “around the block” so to speak. I feel like Roy Batty at the end of Blade Runner:
“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Penises severed from their bodies. I’ve seen Doug erotic fanfiction glistening in the darkness in a Deviantart gallery…”
Anyways, let me stop writing this stupid introduction and get to the point. The point is that today, I bring the horror. What I am about to show you is truly terrifying, and if you aren’t disturbed by it even a little, then congratulations! You are Star Trek’s Data.
This is Fat Man:
I have been following Fat Man for some time on YouTube after being linked to him. This is Fat Man on YouTube:
Now some of you after watching this might be saying, “What’s the big deal, it’s just a gross morbidly obese guy who seems proud of his weight. I’ve seen worse.” Well you might be right, but I am not about to link anyone to the aforementioned severed penis videos. Also you are not getting the whole picture. Browse his YouTube videos. Go ahead and look. About 75% of them have titles like these:
- Fat Man Eats a Box of Twinkies
- Fat Man Eats 9 Hot Dogs (With Bread This Time!)
- Fat Man Eats A Block of Cheese
Those are actual videos. And this isn’t the worst part. No the worst part is his last 3 videos.
2 weeks ago…
- Fat Man Goes On A Diet To Prove: “Eat Less To Lose Weight”
2 weeks later…
- Fat Man Drinks A Bowl Of Gravy
and on the same day…
- Fat Man Talks About Not Being Able To Lose Weight
This is a man with a problem folks. He is a WoW playing, dangerously overweight shut-in whose life consists of turning tricks on YouTube for internet popularity.
I am holding out for the possibility that he is an avant garde performance artist, and this whole thing is a charade to explore gluttony, body image, and self destruction through his TEMPORARY Fat Man persona.
Who are we kidding though, this is who Chris (that’s his name) really is at this time. You are witnessing a human being killing themselves slowly for the pleasure and entertainment of a bunch of strangers, and that is disturbing. The worst part is that he’s a funny guy. I mean this in spite of the whole “Fat Man” gimmick. I can’t help but catch little digs aimed at the audience who silently cheers him on as he downs his 3rd can of cold chicken noodle soup, and it’s great.
Could you imagine him as a TV weatherman? He would be hilarious. He has built up this awesome character who is genuinely funny, He just needs to lose the fat. If he DID lose a significant amount of weight he could team himself up with a fast food restaurant chain and make a ton of money. He has a lot more charisma than that Jared dork at least.
He plays World of Warcraft all day, according to his own admission. Hey man, I know how it is. I played Diablo II back in the day and let me tell you, those perfect uniques don’t find themselves. You just have to expand your horizons a little bit and realize that WoW sucks dicks. Where am I going with this update? I don’t know anymore, but if you’ll excuse me I have to log into Battle.net now. My Hammerdin just got his ethereal HoZ and it’s ass kicking time.
-Andy
If there’s one thing politicians are good at it’s scandals. On the most basic level their “job” is to get elected, and stay elected. Once you’re in the only things you have to remember are A) keep saying pretty things to make people forget you don’t do/know anything, and B) don’t make grabs at other guy’s wieners in airport bathrooms. It is incredible what is dug up on some of the guys we elect.
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