2007 December Archive at Station Atomica!

Archive for December, 2007

AdWords? More Like… Ad-TURDS!

Published on December 30, 2007 in internet and station atomica. 12 Comments

Station Atomica will have been around for one month starting on the 9th of January, 2008. With this much experience under my belt I believe I am qualified to make blanket statements regarding internet advertising and MAKIN’ MONEY ONLINE, so here goes:

ADSENSE CAN SHOVE A COFFEE MUG UP ITS ASS

Unlike some self righteous jerks I am not pretending to be a bastion of internet free speech and integrity. The reason for this is simply that no one cares or ever will care about that. It has been my plan from day one to paste ads over every square inch of space my layout allows. Fortunately I have people to hold me back and remind me that I should produce actual content with which I can generate traffic with which I can bla bla bla I want money.

I’m not doing this for free folks, The only reason I’m putting up with the AdSense crap is that maybe someday it will generate enough income so that I can cut back on my other job testing wooden dowels for the Singapore penal system by having them broken over my ass. People talk about selling out like it is a bad thing. Well here is a partial list of things I would sell out for:

A $10 bill.

A box of Fruit Delights. These things are the shit. (brought to you by our sponsors at Liberty Orchards.)

A ham sandwich WITHOUT paint chips in it.

A new belt because my old one is getting a little warped and funky

Now some may say, “Be patient, you need more traffic to really get any results. The money will come eventually.” Well I would be inclined to agree if it were not for two facts: One is that I have made less than three bucks on AdSense this whole time, and two is that AdSense if totally schizophrenic.

Here is a look at some of the more insane ads Google has decided my blog is a good match for:

Star Trek Ringtones- Alright this one I can understand. Go ahead and put down a Star Trek ad or two, but every single ad on the page?

Chronic Psoriasis- Don’t ask my why, but this motherfucker pops up all the time. Something about my articles must scream “YOUR READERS HAVE INFLAMED FLAKY SKIN!”

Mobility Scooters- I don’t remember writing about Matlock or Twinkies, which is what geezers and fat people like, which is the target audience for a scooter. I did mention World of Warcraft a couple times, so maybe it makes sense after all.

Dove Hunting Trips Booked at Cabela’s- I promise this one is not made up. People hunt doves? If you’re going to kill something symbolic for peace and joy, why don’t you cap some nuns instead? More meat on them than a damn dove at least.

Find Sexy Girls- This one is ridiculous because if you are reading this site you are already surrounded by sexy girls. It’s the Station Atomica guarantee.

Gold Exploration Company- Because the vast majority of readers here are owners of huge tracts of land just itching to start up a mine or two. Come to think of it, what is this ad’s demographic?

Poker T-Shirts With Attitude- Poker? Anyone serious enough about poker to buy a poker shirt WITH ATTITUDE is either a gambling addict or a college kid in cheap shades trying to be the next Chris Moneymaker.

I’m really going to enjoy seeing the ads for this update. No I won’t take the Google ads down until I get off my ass and put something better in its place.

-Andy

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Doodle Factory for 12-29-07

Published on December 29, 2007 in Doodle Factory and Features. 2 Comments

doodlebanner

Its that time again folks for another trip to the Doodle Factory, where the hours are long, the pay is meager, and nothing makes any goddamn sense. Now get back to work, time is money!

Headspike

Some people like piercings. Some people like them a lot. This dude likes them so much he not only pierced his ear, but his jawbone as well, and drove a spike into the top of his head to boot. At the time it seemed like the next logical extreme in body modification, and I’m still surprised I haven’t seen this done at all. Check out that chin too. It doesn’t look kind of like an ass at all. It looks EXACTLY like an ass.

Boxy

It looks like Boxy (that’s his name) here has seen better days. I don’t know why he’s dead, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that his head isn’t attached to his little box body. He is completely dismembered for that matter. Perhaps he was killed because of his atrocious hairstyling. I mean look at it. Just one hair carefully curled over and over into a spring-like shape. If you’re going bald don’t try to salvage your looks by taking your single 6-foot long hair and piling it up on top. You deserved everything you got for that bullshit Boxy.

Crazy Viking

Look out! He’s CRAAAAZY! I know if I was a viking I would absolutely have a belt buckle with my cultural heritage stamped onto it. As it stands all my belt buckles are made of NES controllers, and that isn’t nearly as cool as being a viking. It looks like he has a collection of bones down at his feet, and I assume they belong to his latest victim. There seem to be a few bones missing, as well as all of the organs and flesh. We can only assume that Crazy Viking ate the rest. Hey, that amazing physique doesn’t come from eating Cheetos and Panda Express.

More Doodle Factory

-Andy

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Nerds of the Night

Published on December 28, 2007 in Features and Friday Night Nerd. 9 Comments

Consider for a moment, will you, a nerd. Now one step farther and imagine a nerd on Friday. Now, with your imagination stretched to the limits, imagine a nerd on a FRIDAY NIGHT!

This is what we are all destined to become unless we change our ways.

Some more nerds here.

-Andy

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Welcome to the .GIF Critique Theatre

Published on December 27, 2007 in Features and GIF Critique Theatre. 10 Comments

.GIF Critique Theatre is a new feature wherein we partake of the pinnacle of the web’s visual arts, the animated .GIF image. An art dating back to the last millennium, the .GIF image is something to be savored and mulled over like an exquisite painting by Rembrandt or Van Gogh. Like these works we can glimpse something of the artist frozen in eternity amongst the franticly gyrating clip art they produce. Join me, will you, as we explore the rich, evocative, and always spinnin’ world of the .GIF image.

Spinnin’ Skull

Our journey begins most appropriately in the beginning. The classic Spinnin’ Skull is a work whose origins are lost in the annals of time. What is known is that this simple work has inspired and paved the way for every generation of .GIF artist to come, from the old Dutch school of Rotating Link Buttons, to the more modern Sparkling Glitter Text movement. It has been shown in the old galleries of GeoCities, and has recently been displayed in MySpaces across the globe.

There is something timeless about this piece, and it is with great irony that the major theme displayed is one of impermanence. The skull itself is a symbol of the transitory nature of life, however it is evident that the artist believed that even in death one could not find peace. The skull spins as if afraid to turn its back on whatever may creep up on it. It speaks to mankind’s common paranoia and our inability to let our guard down, even when reduced to nothing but a rotating skull floating in a void. Truly a classic for the ages.

Wacky Satellite

Moving forward we are showcasing a more modern work by German .GIF artist Hans Durklestein. In a 1998 interview with .GIF industry magazine Links on Fire Hans explains his motivation for his work in this excerpt.

“I consider Wacky Sattelite to be my masterpiece. It is the culmination of years of painstaking work hunched over a keyboard prodding the unyielding pixels into my bidding. At its heart is my frustration laid bare for the world to see.

The whole thing came to me in an instant, see I was sitting there trying to get a satellite signal on my TV to watch the Packers game and no matter how hard I tried it wouldn’t come through. I thought Jesus H Christ, what the hell is wrong with this crazy satellite, and the rest is history. Yeah I am German still shut up.”

Wooden Ball of Thanks

Here we see a work of unbridled whimsy by folk .GIF artist Joan Webster. Webster has recently caught the eye of the high .GIF world with her use of natural simulated materials, in this case wood-like pixels. Fashioned into a ball.

The image in this charming piece is clear: THANKS. The word appears three times in the composition and we are compelled to at least nod our head in recognition of the overwhelming thankfulness this .GIF exudes. When the piece was shown in New York’s Best of the Guestbook show last April, show organizers would often hear patrons whispering a “Your very, very welcome” under their breath, so powerful was the impact it had.

Please join us next time as we look at the works of .GIF surrealist Gumbadore Wally. You haven’t seen anything till you’ve seen a clock both melting AND spinning at the same time.

More .GIF Critique Theatre here.

–Andy

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The Christmas Haul

Published on December 26, 2007 in Uncategorized. 6 Comments

In the interests of writing an update I have decided to act like a whiny bitch and complain about my Christmas presents. Ah shuddup, you were disappointed with your haul too. Christmas is like a game of chess with many feints and posturings and plans within plans, all geared toward one goal: Extracting the most out of your relatives while giving the least in return so that you can lord over your plunder and gloat. Look at your sucker little brother there in the corner trying to look happy with the car air freshener you got him at the dollar store while you swim in a sea of expensive electronics.

Well I guess this philosophy has caught up to me because just look at the crapola I got this year:

The last 5 seasons of The Simpsons on DVD. Totally worthless. –Thanks Joe!
A $3 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble. –Thanks Walter!
A binder containing the serial numbers of all the $1 bills my father has possessed in the last year. –Thanks Dad!
$10 worth of condiment packages from Wendy’s. –Thanks Mike!

A World of Warcraft free trial. –Thanks Bill!
A folded paper towel with a quarter sized gob of mustache wax in the middle. –Thanks uncle Teddy!
A set of stereo speakers that somehow constantly plays Chris Tucker quotes from the Fifth Element even with no power source. –Thanks Father Grigori!
A digital camera that accurately captures a one pixel picture. –Thanks Aunt Jemima!

A 16 piece socket wrench set made of the finest porcelain. –Thanks Abe Lincoln!
An 8 place setting dinnerware set made of the finest lead. –Thanks Ingrid!
A where’s Waldo book in braille. –Thanks Kevin!
A package of inside out balloons. –Thanks Amos!

Two VHS copies of Star Trek 4 (the one with the whales) both covered in honey. –Thanks Stimpy!
A swiss army knife containing 10 different versions of the can opener and 3 identical tweezers. –Thanks Grampa Willy!
A light up LED Christmas sweater that plays Jingle Bells Rock at the slightest movement. It’s a little too big. –Thanks old man winter!
The world record longest single back hair encased in Lucite. –Thanks Frodo!

Naugahyde boxers. –Thanks James Dean!
The soul of my deceased cat Charlie encased in Lucite. –Thanks Jimmy Dean!
King Tut’s cursed penis. –Thanks Keebler Elves!
The latest distro of Ubuntu Linux (HAW HAW HAW!) –Thanks Ayn Rand!
My entire family’s lifetime savings of toenail clippings carefully packed in 21 mason jars. –Thanks Ernesto!
Set of mint condition generation 2 transformers. Uh, HELLO generation 2 is teh suck. Don’t bother unless you can complete my generation 1 series. I mean seriously. –Thanks uncle Pete!

YOUR ASS HAHAHAHAHA! –Thanks grizzled prospector!
Love and companionship among friends and family. I mean how cheap can you get?

-Andy

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