Welcome to the GIF Critique Theatre, a place where the lovers of art and technology come together to explore the world of the .GIF image as art. Analysis, appreciation, and insight are the orders of the day, as well as a bunch of words used only in the cutthroat world of competitive scrabble. Onward, the knowledge you crave so deeply is just a few short words away.
Blackdance
Just as we must appreciate a Renaissance fresco in conjunction with the time it was produced, so to must we consider a .GIF image in context. This turn of the century work by an early American .GIF artisan is the product of the prevailing views toward African-Americans around the year 2000.
We may find such imagery distasteful now, but we must remember that every artist is a slave to the time at which they were born. Had Rembrandt been alive today, he may very well have been remembered for a performance piece in which he shaves his eyebrows while defecating into a box of Honey-Nut Cheerios. This work is in no way malicious, but it does showcase subtle prejudices of the time. The belief that all blacks are born to dance, as well as their depiction as a violent race by including red boxing gloves on the figures’ hands are beliefs no longer held by society as a whole and are no longer found in more modern works. The subconscious prejudice runs so deep that boxing gloves were even included on the feet, indicating the figures used them in similar fashion as the hands, much like an ape.
These views are no longer accepted in American society, but were commonplace in 2000. A wise student of the .GIF image will always remember to take into account historical context when analyzing a .GIF image for meaning.
Sparkle Car
This depiction of a glittering sports car is the product of contemporary .GIF artist Eli Gomez. Gomez is a well known figure in the conceptual .GIF movement. We were recently able to interview Gomez over telephone regarding the intention of this piece.
“Sparkling Car is my message to the materialists of the world. So called “bling” is nothing but a transitory speed bump in the pursuit of what is truly valuable in life. Do you have any idea how much it costs to coat a Lamborghini in glitter? I don’t, but you can bet some of these misguided fat-cats know all about that? See how the car exists in a cold, lifeless void? Where is it going? it is nothing more than a gaudy display speeding toward a destiny of nothingness.”
UFO Chasing Skeleton.
This work by an unknown .GIF artist is a true masterpiece. Much effort has been expended trying to uncover the source of this amazing work, but in all probability the artist has succumbed to the extravagant excesses of the .GIF world.
This work was found abandoned on a humble abandoned Star Craft: Brood War strategy tips website in late 1999 and recently went in auction for a sky-high price of $1.23. Such is the tragedy of .GIF artistry; the greatest artist are discovered only after their time. In all likelihood the unknown creator died penniless in a back alley after a particularly severe LSD trip left him confused and disoriented.
Perhaps the artist was running from his own demons, much like the skeleton in his work is pursued relentlessly by a laser wielding UFO. Unlike the artist, however, not even death is an escape from a tortured existence for the skeletal subject. Certainly one of the greater masterpieces of our time.
Excuse me now, gentle readers, for I am overcome with emotion and must be left in silent contemplation. Until next time here are some more .GIF Critique Theatre episodes.
-Andy
Klingons are a large, robust species with a distinctive “lumpy turd” patterning on their forehead. This patterning also manifests itself on one of the adult male’s buttocks, although there rare cases of both buttocks being patterned.
Klingons may be found nesting in temperate marshes, swamps, or biker bars. Their covering of black leather and metals shields them from direct sunlight; something most Klingons are allergic to. Klingons prefer to feed on large worms and grubs found in the ground. Scavenging of these is aided by a type of motion detection picked up by the forehead lumps. Those wishing to attract Klingons to the area can do so by leaving bowls of earthworms in a secluded corner of the yard, although similar results can be obtained using Cheetos, hot wings, or burritos.
Vulcans are a species characterized by pointed ears and dark, immaculately groomed hair. They can be found in high altitude deserts in nests constructed of natural materials. Those wishing to spot Vulcans in the wild should be careful not to give away their presence, as a spooked Vulcan will often retreat into nearby caves and may remain hidden for weeks thereafter.
The distinctive pointed ears are used for mating purposes in males, and during the breeding season (March-June) will grow to many times their normal size, sprouting antlers. These are used in contests of strength between competing males, much like an elk or deer.
Cardassians are a subterranean species with pale, armor plated skin. Due to the absence of light in their natural environment, their eyes are mostly vestigial, able to distinguish only roughly between light and dark.
Cardassians subsist on a diet of cave dwelling animals including bats, centipedes, and D&D nerds in their mother’s basements. Cardassian mothers give birth to 2-5 caterpillar-like offspring each year, and will stay with them until they metamorphose after 6 months.
Latest Comments