Our clients recently put in an order for 12,000 units of doodles, so it’s time for the factory to ramp up production. Let’s check in and see what those hard workin’ blue collarin’ doodle manufacturers are rolling off the assembly lines.
Frenchman
I was not always as worldly as I am now. In fact I used to have some strange ideas about other cultures and peoples. Take this depiction of a Frenchman for example. With the benefit of experience under my belt I no longer believe the French are a people of hammer wielding, spike footed lunatics with the jaws of an over-sized dung beetle. See that thing to the upper left of his head? It’s a Jerrycan full of gasoline being poured onto his mouth parts. See that small thing flying in from the left side of the image? It’s a lit match.
Eric the Red
Another example of my razor sharp wit, this is a drawing of famous viking leader Eric the Red. Originally this drawing was in blue ball point pen, hence Eric’s protest. Also, just in case you don’t know what a ruler is, I decided to illustrate one below Eric. Now that I have given you all a ruler drawing maybe I can FINALLY stop getting email requests for them.
Gunpowder Pope
That sounds like a great name for a band. This doodle springs from the eternal question: “What if the Pope suddenly began to turn into gunpowder, leaving a flammable trail wherever he went?” At least that was a nagging question in my mind during this doodle’s production. Looks like all those candles the catholics like so much finally caught up to the old Vicar of Christ.
That’s it for this installment. Check back for more drawings by a retard so you can laugh and throw virtual beer cans at him.
Everybody! Here’s more Doodle Factory! HEEEAAAAHALALKHSDFOIS!
-Andy
A while back, a buddy and I were standing over the mangled corpse of my newly created website, Station Atomica, trying to think of ways we could rape more money out of this heap. Ads were a bust since most of the visitors to this site seem to be smart enough not to mash their mouse button to get great deals on Harry Potter and the Dragon Wizard Magic Expressway DVD. My friend was of the opinion that t-shirts were the answer to all my prayers, and as soon as I put up a link to some nerdy online t-shirt store it would be as if I had opened a wormhole directly into Bill Gates’ gold bullion storage shed.
Since T-Shirt Hell seems to be taking a no-holds-barred, tellin’ it like it is approach to their products, I thought I would help them out a little and improve upon some of their existing designs. Remember, I’m just tellin’ it like it is, and adding back designs to these shirts just makes them that much more in-yo-face-ish. Also if anyone has a problem with me swiping their superb designs for this update they can shuddup right now because half of T-Shirt Hell’s designs themselves use unlicensed characters and imagery. Let’s get this show on the road!
One thing that irks my Nerdance to no end is when science fiction stories dealing with advanced science and galaxy spanning civilizations suddenly throw in stuff that technologically hearkens back to the good ole days of WWII or earlier. I don’t expect perfection in my cheese ridden space operas, but if something already exists that is better than the equivalent you are depicting in your show/movie/book, well you screwed up. Today’s continuation of 
The ship mounted phasers are cool, and seem to have a decent range as well. They seem to use pinpoint computer targeting like you would imagine a big ass particle weapon from the future would use. What’s more, you never see shots of cadets in star trek lining shit up with old tyme iron sights in order to guesstimate their target. The torpedoes are another story. While cool in theory, they never seemed to pack the punch they should. I see shots of torpedoes tearing through the hull of a ship, and I can’t help but think, “damn if that thing was a nuke they would have been toast.”
What struck me about the weapon systems in Star Wars is how god damn slow the lasers move. Like, you can see the light crawling away from you slower than a Major League pitch. Combine that with the need to manually aim the turrets like something from a WWII era B-17 and I’m surprised they ever hit anything. I’m sure there are crew members who have manned those turrets their entire 30 year career in the Empire who have never hit a damn thing. The proton torpedoes are also manually aimed. Jesus, did all the computer technology in the universe go into making golden robots of questionable sexuality? I’m pretty sure an army guy in a Humvee could dodge Imperial Weaponry, so the US army wins again.
Now Phasers are all power and no finesse. You know that part when Darth Vader blocks Han’s blaster with his hands in Cloud City? If he tried that shit to a Federation officer he would have a split second to look at his non-existent hand before the rest of his body vaporised. A tiny personal phaser can destroy shit at the atomic level, but the problem is use. Their rate of fire sucks! They emit a long drawn out beam that takes a half an hour to dissipate before they can fire again. So what you get in Star Trek is firefights identical to old westerns where the two sides huddle behind some rocks and take pot shots at each other. A trained squad of Marines would eat Enterprise security forces for breakfast.
The standard issue ranged weapon in Star Wars is the Blaster. Aside from having a ridiculous name these things are weak as shit. I’m pretty sure I could stop a blaster with my hand if I had black leather gloves like Vader. At most they throw a few sparks and make a little puff of smoke. Also they are horribly inaccurate. Maybe the Stormtroopers are retarded (a topic for later), but there has to be a reason they never hit anything. Perhaps the Empire needs tighter quality control to make sure blasters don’t fire a good 15 degrees off plumb. Forget the military, the Keystone Cops could take out a battalion of Stormtroopers.
Welp, The Best I could come up with for Star Trek is something called the bat’leth. It is a traditional Klingon weapon, and while it might look cool, it is most definitely stupid. Hard to use, weighting a good 20 lbs, and made of solid steel it looks like one of those cheesy fantasy knives you can get in the cutlery place in the mall. A baseball bat would be a better weapon. Hell, a paring knife might be superior based on how fast I imagine a bat’leth user would hurt themselves. What a joke.
The Light Saber is the holy grail of Star Wars weapons, and with this the series makes up for its stumbles in the other categories. I’m not saying it is the most effective weapon or anything. Unless the force lets you slow down time Matrix style I think a Jedi would have a hard time blocking all the rounds from a decent machine gun, but as a hand-to-hand weapon it is definitely better than anything we have these days. Imagine owning one… I could slice AND cook my vegetables all at once! I could get rid of half my power tools! I could finally open those plastic nightmare packages all electronics come in! I would be invincible!
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