Aries

3/21-4/19

Don’t let your modesty keep you from the credit you deserve, you beautiful, talented Godling. Be wary of those trying to butter you up by telling you what you want to hear though, even if you are the most charismatic, attractive, and amazing human this world has ever seen. Take some time today to work on your one armed push-ups, the fate of the world may soon depend on it.

Taurus

4/20-5/20

Something good will happen this week because of a wonderful characteristic you think you posses. Watch out for that person you don’t like and remember to stick to the things you know. It’s a good time to remember your friend(s) because they will help during difficult spots. Oh yeah, your precious pet dog will be killed and eaten by a vicious male orangutan fugitive from the local zoo. He will then choke to death on the dog’s collar.

Gemini

5/21-6/21

Now would be the time to go for a big promotion. I’ll make sure everything’s taken care of. Competition? Heh, lets just say their horoscope isn’t looking too rosy, if you know what I mean. Oh yeah, but watch out for problems originating in your, uh, crotchical region. Hey, man! I’m the guy writing the money/success portion of the horoscope, I got nothing to do with the love-life parts! Chuck writes those and word is he has it out for you. Just giving you a heads up is all.

Cancer

6/22-7/22

Your ass is getting cancer! Big surprise, right? I mean, you couldn’t NOT think it would end this way. Anyways, better get some living done while you still can, because that tumor is on a roll and it can’t be stopped. On the bright side, your emotions will be a source of inner strength as the radiation treatment makes you glow in the dark like a lightning bug.

Leo

7/23-8/22

Resist the urge to rob, murder, and kidnap today, as the position of Venus in the night sky means you may fail in these activities. Instead focus your energies closer to home. This week is an excellent one to start a meth lab. Watch out for the nosy neighbor next door, though. A brick or two through her window when Mars reaches perihelion should do the trick.

Virgo

8/23-9/22

Embarrassing flatulence can cost you greatly in the week ahead. If that jackass Chad in human resources says anything about it be sure to bite his nose off. The spectacle he makes screaming and spraying blood from the disfigured stump on his face will cheer everyone’s day up. Don’t worry, everyone’s got your back on this, even your supervisor. DOOOOOO IT.

Libra

9/23-10/22

Your moon phases are going into retrograde at 2 am on the 23rd, meaning that your 3rd chakra is going to cause an imbalance in the energy ribbons of YOUR ASS. The asteroid belt is interfering with your psychic readings, and we have a warp-core breach on deck 13, engineering section. Better set phasers to kill and ready a spread of photon torpedoes. Helm, ahead 1/4 impulse.

Scorpio

10/23-11/21

Bad ass! Your sign is a scorpion! You are going to kick ass all this week and into the next. If a friend gives you a hard time, just uppercut him in his jaw and make his teeth fly around like it’s raining Tic-Tacs. What’s his non-scorpion ass going to do? The only problem arises when the cops show up because one of them might be a Scorpio as well, so tread carefully. Also, turn your difficulties into chances to excel, and kill that Scorpio cop to absorb his scorpion power.

Sagittarius

11/22-12/21

You better pay off Carl today because the stars show baseball bats in your kneecaps’ future. Maybe if you had listened to me 3 months ago when I told you to avoid gambling this wouldn’t be happening now. But nooooo, you had to book that trip to Vegas and now you’re in over your head. What if he finds the body, huh? You’ll have to kill him, you know. Signs point to another gory night with a hacksaw and Hefty garbage bags for you.
Capricorn

12/22-1/19

The family farm needs ya this week. Food’s low and uncle Jesse’s bum leg got infected something fierce. You said you was gonna send money back when you got a job in tha big city. Paw thinks you done forgot all about us. I still believe in ya though. Just being back some medicine quick before the snow hits.

Your Beloved Sister,

Suzanna Marie

Aquarius

1/20-2/18

Wealth and prosperity is in your family. Be sure to tip the waiter! You will find lots of gold.

Lucky numbers: 3, 6, 11, 13, 21, 26.

#1 Super Buffet.

Pisces

2/19-3/20

Your love life could suffer this week unless you show your sensitive side. Try to treat your mate to something special. Let her out of your basement dungeon to see natural sunlight for the first time in three years. This isn’t to say splurging is the order of the day, and an uncontrolled “date” could lead to complications down the road. Don’t let her out of your sight. She belongs to YOU. Singles: Buy a shovel and get digging. Basement dungeons don’t excavate themselves.

-Andy