Klingon

Klingons are a large, robust species with a distinctive “lumpy turd” patterning on their forehead. This patterning also manifests itself on one of the adult male’s buttocks, although there rare cases of both buttocks being patterned.

Males are larger than females, although both sexes posses the same stringy black hair that remains ritualistically unwashed from birth. Both sexes also emit a distinctive odor detectable at close proximity that is described as similar to a thousand dead cats in an old lady’s wall.

Klingons may be found nesting in temperate marshes, swamps, or biker bars. Their covering of black leather and metals shields them from direct sunlight; something most Klingons are allergic to. Klingons prefer to feed on large worms and grubs found in the ground. Scavenging of these is aided by a type of motion detection picked up by the forehead lumps. Those wishing to attract Klingons to the area can do so by leaving bowls of earthworms in a secluded corner of the yard, although similar results can be obtained using Cheetos, hot wings, or burritos.

Immature Klingons are smaller and emit a loud nasal scream at the threshold of human hearing. This is used to attract the attention of nearby adults when danger is present. Young Klingons also lack the forehead patterning of adults, but gain this in the spring of their 4th year, when they reach maturity.

Vulcan

Vulcans are a species characterized by pointed ears and dark, immaculately groomed hair. They can be found in high altitude deserts in nests constructed of natural materials. Those wishing to spot Vulcans in the wild should be careful not to give away their presence, as a spooked Vulcan will often retreat into nearby caves and may remain hidden for weeks thereafter.

Vulcans molt on a regular basis, shedding their skin to grow larger. The old skin is usually consumed for nutrients by the Vulcan, although the indigestible ear points are usually discarded. This process continues throughout the Vulcan’s lifetime, and older individuals can grow to over 10 feet tall. The Vulcan diet consists mainly of plain corn flakes and raw unseasoned pork chops, as well as other Vulcans.

The distinctive pointed ears are used for mating purposes in males, and during the breeding season (March-June) will grow to many times their normal size, sprouting antlers. These are used in contests of strength between competing males, much like an elk or deer.

Vulcans can be dangerous during this time, and it is advised that Vulcan-watchers keep their distance. Vulcans show no change in demeanor or expression when annoyed, and can attack unexpectedly.

Cardassian

Cardassians are a subterranean species with pale, armor plated skin. Due to the absence of light in their natural environment, their eyes are mostly vestigial, able to distinguish only roughly between light and dark.

Navigation is accomplished through echolocation similar to bats, and is beyond the ability for humans to hear. The prominent neck flaps sense thermal radiation, and are used to hunt in total darkness by sensing body heat. The bite of a Cardassian in venomous, and is similar to a wasp’s sting, so Cardassian watchers should be careful.

Cardassians subsist on a diet of cave dwelling animals including bats, centipedes, and D&D nerds in their mother’s basements. Cardassian mothers give birth to 2-5 caterpillar-like offspring each year, and will stay with them until they metamorphose after 6 months.

Those hoping to spot a Cardassian in the wild may have a hard time due to shrinking habitat due to dilithium mining.

-Andy