I keep trying to envision the people who are gullible enough to go to their inbox, open an email entitled, “Isn’t strong and powerful full-size dic’k your dream?” and THEN desperately click on the provided link with the intent of purchasing a huge batch of placebos thinking it will actually make their penises larger. I honestly have no clue who these people are, but like the TERRISTS hiding in the bushes outside your window they are among us; a hidden enemy indistinguishable from society, and the greatest menace civilization has ever faced.
I am NOT one of these dangerously stupid folks, and I am here to tell you today that I only accept the finest in spam email. It takes a powerful and catchy email title to grab my attention and make me slap down my hard earned money on sweet, sweet Via_gra. Here let me show you what I’m talking about:
Women acknowledge, that big phalli are more attractive!
This guy started off well. It’s always good to remind us just why our wieners need to be 16 inches long and as thick as the tailpipe of a riced out Civic: The wimmins likes it! However why do you have to bring multiple phalli into it? If I’m a bald, insecure little manling who desperately thinks an extra 1/4 inch will save my doomed marriage the last thing you want to do it introduce other guy’s wangs into the deal. I certainly don’t have multiple dicks (that I know of), and the mere mention of more than one conjures images of the mailman pounding away at my beloved with his mighty meat shillelagh. Not to mention the unnecessary comma.
3/5 stars
Replica Watches
Holy shit replica watches! Not actual watches at all, but something that looks like it COULD tell time, but actually can’t! Even if your target isn’t stupid enough to think along those lines, they still might not know which brand you are trying to fake. Nobody wants replica Timex watches, or replica Dora the Explorer watches you find in the bottom of your Fruity Pebbles. I assume you mean Rolex and the like right? You have to be specific.
1/5 stars
Watches
Jesus Christ what did I just say? I know the foreman at the spam foundry is working you to the bone with those extra hours, but more effort than this is required to gain my attention.
1/5 stars
Finally a Professional Answer to your Debt Problems
Now this is what I’m talking about! This title gives you hope, sympathizes with your struggles and reminds you of the sender’s professionalism all in one feisty, grammatically correct statement. Unnecessary caps aside, I can’t wait to click on this one and find out just how I can get Joey to lay off about that $5 I borrowed from him at Subway.
4/5 stars
Causing an erection
What the hell? This sounds like a how-to guide. Striptease and you: Causing an Erection. Zen and the art of Causing an Erection. You are selling Viagra right? Again you are bringing other people’s boners into the equation. When I take your pill I want to RECIEVE an erection, not CAUSE one in the guy standing too close to me at the bus stop. Don’t be so medical and uptight too, nobody goes around calling it an “erection.”
2/5 main sequence stars
Satisfactory sexual intercourse
Ha, okay Data. “I rate this instance of intercourse a 73%. Definitely satisfactory, but nothing exceptional.” Why wouldn’t you call it “mind blowing” or “incredible” or “Tsar Bomba level”? Afraid you can’t back up your claims? Worried about falsely advertising something? You are a spammer, pull yourself together.
1/5 horrible angler fish
Blue colored pill
Why yes, I would like to remain in the Matrix, Morpheus. The only thing this spam email subject has going for it is mystery, and only because it is confusing as fuck. Am I Neo? Am I The One? Do I have to star in a promising trilogy of movies that falls down after the second installment, and only skids to a halt at the end of the third, its face a mass of unrecognizable hamburger? Will I click on this email as it sits in the virtual world that is my inbox? No.
2/5 mounds of earthy-loam
-Andy
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