Tag Archive for ‘internet’ at Station Atomica!

Tag Archive for 'internet'

Incredible Garfield/Jim Davis Tributes

Published on January 21, 2008 in video. 0 Comments

The internet is by and large a worthless waste of resources. This is a given, and there is no denying this stone cold fact. Countless emo myspaces, horrifying furry Deviantart galleries, and porn for every detestable fetish you can imagine (and many you can not) make up the bulk of our precious web.

However, there is always a ray of hope. I am sure many of you have seen what I am about to show you already since it has been making the rounds for the last few days, but I would be neglecting my duty if I didn’t try to spread the good word as far as I can. Gentle readers, I present Lasagna Cat; a satire so epic it is destined to find its place next to “A Modest Proposal.”

Lasagna Cat is a “tribute” to Jim Davis, an undead cartoonist who continues to produce the comic strip Garfield in a truly zombie like fashion staggering and sputtering around while never managing a cohesive or worthwhile joke. Watch each and every one of the videos. They are the work of Fatal Farm, an outfit worthy of being checked out in itself. Some highlights from Lasagna Cat:

http://www.lasagnacat.com/Bailamos.mov

http://www.lasagnacat.com/Chattahoochee.mov

http://www.lasagnacat.com/HeadLikeAHole.mov

Why are you still reading this like a sucker? These videos are the reason the internet was created. They are the pinnacle of all humanity has striven for. Go now.

-Andy

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Spam Email Review Power Hour II

Published on January 16, 2008 in internet. 4 Comments

I keep trying to envision the people who are gullible enough to go to their inbox, open an email entitled, “Isn’t strong and powerful full-size dic’k your dream?” and THEN desperately click on the provided link with the intent of purchasing a huge batch of placebos thinking it will actually make their penises larger. I honestly have no clue who these people are, but like the TERRISTS hiding in the bushes outside your window they are among us; a hidden enemy indistinguishable from society, and the greatest menace civilization has ever faced.

I am NOT one of these dangerously stupid folks, and I am here to tell you today that I only accept the finest in spam email. It takes a powerful and catchy email title to grab my attention and make me slap down my hard earned money on sweet, sweet Via_gra. Here let me show you what I’m talking about:

Women acknowledge, that big phalli are more attractive!

This guy started off well. It’s always good to remind us just why our wieners need to be 16 inches long and as thick as the tailpipe of a riced out Civic: The wimmins likes it! However why do you have to bring multiple phalli into it? If I’m a bald, insecure little manling who desperately thinks an extra 1/4 inch will save my doomed marriage the last thing you want to do it introduce other guy’s wangs into the deal. I certainly don’t have multiple dicks (that I know of), and the mere mention of more than one conjures images of the mailman pounding away at my beloved with his mighty meat shillelagh. Not to mention the unnecessary comma.

3/5 stars

Replica Watches

Holy shit replica watches! Not actual watches at all, but something that looks like it COULD tell time, but actually can’t! Even if your target isn’t stupid enough to think along those lines, they still might not know which brand you are trying to fake. Nobody wants replica Timex watches, or replica Dora the Explorer watches you find in the bottom of your Fruity Pebbles. I assume you mean Rolex and the like right? You have to be specific.

1/5 stars

Watches

Jesus Christ what did I just say? I know the foreman at the spam foundry is working you to the bone with those extra hours, but more effort than this is required to gain my attention.

1/5 stars

Finally a Professional Answer to your Debt Problems

Now this is what I’m talking about! This title gives you hope, sympathizes with your struggles and reminds you of the sender’s professionalism all in one feisty, grammatically correct statement. Unnecessary caps aside, I can’t wait to click on this one and find out just how I can get Joey to lay off about that $5 I borrowed from him at Subway.

4/5 stars

Causing an erection

What the hell? This sounds like a how-to guide. Striptease and you: Causing an Erection. Zen and the art of Causing an Erection. You are selling Viagra right? Again you are bringing other people’s boners into the equation. When I take your pill I want to RECIEVE an erection, not CAUSE one in the guy standing too close to me at the bus stop. Don’t be so medical and uptight too, nobody goes around calling it an “erection.”

2/5 main sequence stars

Satisfactory sexual intercourse

Ha, okay Data. “I rate this instance of intercourse a 73%. Definitely satisfactory, but nothing exceptional.” Why wouldn’t you call it “mind blowing” or “incredible” or “Tsar Bomba level”? Afraid you can’t back up your claims? Worried about falsely advertising something? You are a spammer, pull yourself together.

1/5 horrible angler fish

Blue colored pill

Why yes, I would like to remain in the Matrix, Morpheus. The only thing this spam email subject has going for it is mystery, and only because it is confusing as fuck. Am I Neo? Am I The One? Do I have to star in a promising trilogy of movies that falls down after the second installment, and only skids to a halt at the end of the third, its face a mass of unrecognizable hamburger? Will I click on this email as it sits in the virtual world that is my inbox? No.

2/5 mounds of earthy-loam

More spam email reviews

-Andy

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4 Comments

Big Ass Feed Icon

Published on January 6, 2008 in blogs and internet. 11 Comments

Until a few weeks ago I had never read a blog in my life. At least not regularly, and I for sure had no contact with the pasty denizens of the blog-o-sphere. One of the stranger things I have noticed that people do with their blogs is crowd the layout with an ass-load of icons and widgets and doodads that don’t really need to be there/are ugly as the day is long. The worst offender is usually the massive orange feed icon usually located near the top of a blog like a gigantic pulsating tumor that dwarfs the planet mercury in size.

Maybe I am a retard and am missing something obvious, but if someone wants to subscribe to your feed they are usually the type of person savvy enough to find it even if it isn’t pounding them in the face with a shovel screaming “subscribe, SUBSCRIBE!” If they’re the type of person that has no interest in feeds then it is worthless visual clutter that clashes with your design unless you run a website about pumpkins and hunting safety gear.

Everyone seems to be on a mission to one up each other with a massive over-wrought icon, and I am saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. In the interest of stemming this feed icon arms race I have created one so massive and monolithic that it dwarfs even the largest of existing icons. Take a gander at this mofo (click it for bigness):

In conclusion, everyone can stop creating massive feed icons because now that I have this puppy I can crush your puny feed icons without even trying. I haven’t even souped it up yet, and when I do that look out because I will turn the feed icon world upside down.

-Andy

11 Comments

Fighting the Good Fight and Web 2.0

Published on December 8, 2007 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but in the last few years something magical has happened to our beloved internet. More accurately something has changed in the way the general public perceives it. I’m not talking about stories on the nightly news about the thousands of greasy pedophiles all hauling ass in their windowless vans with a busy schedule to keep of molesting every child on the internet ever. No those have always existed and always will exist till the end of time.

What I am talking about is the fact that it is now socially acceptable to be a nerd. Even more shocking is the fact that you aren’t one of the cool kids unless you have a myspace or a facebook. It is almost as if it is seen as acceptable to sit down in front of a computer or have an email address. Is the internet…hip now? Perhaps even radical?

I am going to blame the whole Web 2.0 scam that has been floating around for a while now. That is why I have established the Station Atomica Web 2.0 Oversight and Evaluation Board (myself being the director as well as the sole member.) My goal is to quantify the effects of this development and find out what the heck is up with this crap, because while acceptance of the internet by society at large may seem like a good idea there will undoubtedly be some side effects. For instance I am now able to openly walk down the street wearing my favorite pair of Spock ears and talk about how I am a blogger without being thrown into a vat of acid inside of an insane asylum. We all agree that this is a good thing, but as a result of our new tolerance of nerddom is the fact that somebody can make an entire website detailing their obsession with drawing closeups of cat’s assholes and then link back to catassholegallery.com in their facebook account. And we are supposed to be okay with this.

Station Atomica might be new to the blogosphere, but I don’t think we are too late to hold back the tide of user created garbage that is the hallmark of Web 2.0. Let’s fight the good fight and put those horrid corners of the internet in the spotlight and see what oozes out of them like an especially scabby wound on the already festering tumor that is the internet.

-Andy

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