Station Atomica will have been around for one month starting on the 9th of January, 2008. With this much experience under my belt I believe I am qualified to make blanket statements regarding internet advertising and MAKIN’ MONEY ONLINE, so here goes:

ADSENSE CAN SHOVE A COFFEE MUG UP ITS ASS

Unlike some self righteous jerks I am not pretending to be a bastion of internet free speech and integrity. The reason for this is simply that no one cares or ever will care about that. It has been my plan from day one to paste ads over every square inch of space my layout allows. Fortunately I have people to hold me back and remind me that I should produce actual content with which I can generate traffic with which I can bla bla bla I want money.

I’m not doing this for free folks, The only reason I’m putting up with the AdSense crap is that maybe someday it will generate enough income so that I can cut back on my other job testing wooden dowels for the Singapore penal system by having them broken over my ass. People talk about selling out like it is a bad thing. Well here is a partial list of things I would sell out for:

• A $10 bill.

• A box of Fruit Delights. These things are the shit. (brought to you by our sponsors at Liberty Orchards.)

• A ham sandwich WITHOUT paint chips in it.

• A new belt because my old one is getting a little warped and funky

Now some may say, “Be patient, you need more traffic to really get any results. The money will come eventually.” Well I would be inclined to agree if it were not for two facts: One is that I have made less than three bucks on AdSense this whole time, and two is that AdSense if totally schizophrenic.

Here is a look at some of the more insane ads Google has decided my blog is a good match for:

• Star Trek Ringtones- Alright this one I can understand. Go ahead and put down a Star Trek ad or two, but every single ad on the page?

• Chronic Psoriasis- Don’t ask my why, but this motherfucker pops up all the time. Something about my articles must scream “YOUR READERS HAVE INFLAMED FLAKY SKIN!”

• Mobility Scooters- I don’t remember writing about Matlock or Twinkies, which is what geezers and fat people like, which is the target audience for a scooter. I did mention World of Warcraft a couple times, so maybe it makes sense after all.

• Dove Hunting Trips Booked at Cabela’s- I promise this one is not made up. People hunt doves? If you’re going to kill something symbolic for peace and joy, why don’t you cap some nuns instead? More meat on them than a damn dove at least.

• Find Sexy Girls- This one is ridiculous because if you are reading this site you are already surrounded by sexy girls. It’s the Station Atomica guarantee.

• Gold Exploration Company- Because the vast majority of readers here are owners of huge tracts of land just itching to start up a mine or two. Come to think of it, what is this ad’s demographic?

• Poker T-Shirts With Attitude- Poker? Anyone serious enough about poker to buy a poker shirt WITH ATTITUDE is either a gambling addict or a college kid in cheap shades trying to be the next Chris Moneymaker.

I’m really going to enjoy seeing the ads for this update. No I won’t take the Google ads down until I get off my ass and put something better in its place.

-Andy