It is a little known fact that Station Atomica is the most trusted name in video and computer game reviews. Hell, it was unknown to me until I started writing this update! Nevertheless, the Station Atomica Award of Atomic Excellence by Station Atomica (Station Atomica) is the most coveted award a developer can hope to achieve for the blood, sweat, and polygonal boobs they pack into their precious game. Many a developer has risen to stardom or fallen to a hell lower than ValuSoft on my vaunted opinion alone.

First some ground rules: To be eligible for an award a game must have been played by me, or played by a friend of mine while I was in the same room. On occasion I will allow games I have glanced at while walking into Best Buy to be eligible if the people loitering on the couches look especially pleased playing the game. As you can imagine this disqualifies quite a few games some people may think are worthy. These people are fools. It also happens that I currently do not own any of these new-fangled video game consoles, and haven’t since the Sega Genesis. Tough break for Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo, but those games are for people with brains the size of walnuts anyways. Now lets roll out the red carpet and warm up the acceptance speeches, cause here come the categories.

Graphics

Winner: Bioshock

Now, Bioshock is available for the XBox 360 as well, but I didn’t play it on that gasping heap of red-ringed instability, I played it on a MAN’S machine: The computer. You can always spot great graphics by the amount of bloom and shiny sparkling surfaces a game has, and in Bioshock even the grime in between the floor tiles glistens like it is made of glitter.

 

 

The other great thing about Bioshock’s graphics is how incredibly realistic the water looks. In fact, one day after I got done washing my car I drove home, grabbed a wrench and caved my brother’s head in thinking I was inside the game. The water was that realistic.

 

Sound/Music

Winner: Portal

I admit it. I was a huge quivering weenie when I heard the ending song. Like everyone else in the entire world I thought it was brilliant. Unlike everyone else though, I didn’t make a damn website about it and create remixes, music videos and unplugged versions of it. So even though I hate it to the point of teeth-gritting rage now, I can still remember with fondness the 12 hours I had with it, humming the tune before the internet ruined it for me.

 

Also those turrets sound so fucking cute they could murder my own mom and pop and I would still look at them lovingly and tousle their hair (if they had any.)

Writing/Story

Winner: Portal (again)

Most of the time you know what you’re getting story wise when you pick up a game. You play as Gruff StubbleChin out to save the world/large titted woman from aliens/zombies/Nazis. Also, here, take this huge rocket-blasting grenade-launching plasma induced BFG.

Portal was a welcome change in that it was actually…funny. And this is coming from someone with a singularity for a heart. Of course the competition in this area of game design is almost non-existent. Yeah it was a short game, but would you rather eat a tiny but delicious filet mignon that somehow makes you laugh uncontrollably, or an 8 foot rope of chimpanzee feces? Exactly.

 

A.I. (not the awful movie)

Winner: S.T.A.L.K.E.R: Shadow of Chernobyl

Nobody deserves an award for this since games haven’t made great strides in Artificial Intelligence since Pac-Man was being chased around by ghosts that looked like lucky charms. Well, maybe Black and White had some unique A.I, but the game itself was like getting each of your fingers ground to nothing on a belt sander. Since I have already written an intro to this category anyways, I guess I have to give the award to something though, so we’ll just say S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Shadow of Chernobyl.

Stalker (fuck ya I’m not typing the dots OR the subtitle) is a little known game from some zany Eastern European country that managed to promise the world as far as game play goes, and deliver a bug ridden mess that was nearly unplayable unless you have the patience of a saint.

What they did manage to get right was the firefights, and specifically some fairly decent enemy A.I. That is till you get in close. In that case there is about a 50% chance the baddies will immediately cap you in the head and kill you, or stare at you intently while doing a little sideways shuffle dance. Whatever, this is as good as shooter A.I. will ever get so I give up on it.

Drumroll please as we present the Atomic Award for Excellence for

GAME OF THE YEAR

Winner: Fallout

Nowhere did I say the game had to be released the previous year. Fallout (released 1997) will be the game of the year until the heat death of the universe or until Duke Nukem Forever is released, whichever comes first.

 

Sorry to everyone expecting the usual list of Guitar Hero and Halo, but you know what, we are adults. Lets let our games reflect that. Ah, who am I kidding, I’m just too poor to buy a console, now excuse me while I order $1000 worth of computer parts on Newegg.

-Andy