Klingon
Klingons are a large, robust species with a distinctive “lumpy turd” patterning on their forehead. This patterning also manifests itself on one of the adult male’s buttocks, although there rare cases of both buttocks being patterned.
Males are larger than females, although both sexes posses the same stringy black hair that remains ritualistically unwashed from birth. Both sexes also emit a distinctive odor detectable at close proximity that is described as similar to a thousand dead cats in an old lady’s wall.
Klingons may be found nesting in temperate marshes, swamps, or biker bars. Their covering of black leather and metals shields them from direct sunlight; something most Klingons are allergic to. Klingons prefer to feed on large worms and grubs found in the ground. Scavenging of these is aided by a type of motion detection picked up by the forehead lumps. Those wishing to attract Klingons to the area can do so by leaving bowls of earthworms in a secluded corner of the yard, although similar results can be obtained using Cheetos, hot wings, or burritos.
Immature Klingons are smaller and emit a loud nasal scream at the threshold of human hearing. This is used to attract the attention of nearby adults when danger is present. Young Klingons also lack the forehead patterning of adults, but gain this in the spring of their 4th year, when they reach maturity.
Vulcan
Vulcans are a species characterized by pointed ears and dark, immaculately groomed hair. They can be found in high altitude deserts in nests constructed of natural materials. Those wishing to spot Vulcans in the wild should be careful not to give away their presence, as a spooked Vulcan will often retreat into nearby caves and may remain hidden for weeks thereafter.
Vulcans molt on a regular basis, shedding their skin to grow larger. The old skin is usually consumed for nutrients by the Vulcan, although the indigestible ear points are usually discarded. This process continues throughout the Vulcan’s lifetime, and older individuals can grow to over 10 feet tall. The Vulcan diet consists mainly of plain corn flakes and raw unseasoned pork chops, as well as other Vulcans.
The distinctive pointed ears are used for mating purposes in males, and during the breeding season (March-June) will grow to many times their normal size, sprouting antlers. These are used in contests of strength between competing males, much like an elk or deer.
Vulcans can be dangerous during this time, and it is advised that Vulcan-watchers keep their distance. Vulcans show no change in demeanor or expression when annoyed, and can attack unexpectedly.
Cardassian
Cardassians are a subterranean species with pale, armor plated skin. Due to the absence of light in their natural environment, their eyes are mostly vestigial, able to distinguish only roughly between light and dark.
Navigation is accomplished through echolocation similar to bats, and is beyond the ability for humans to hear. The prominent neck flaps sense thermal radiation, and are used to hunt in total darkness by sensing body heat. The bite of a Cardassian in venomous, and is similar to a wasp’s sting, so Cardassian watchers should be careful.
Cardassians subsist on a diet of cave dwelling animals including bats, centipedes, and D&D nerds in their mother’s basements. Cardassian mothers give birth to 2-5 caterpillar-like offspring each year, and will stay with them until they metamorphose after 6 months.
Those hoping to spot a Cardassian in the wild may have a hard time due to shrinking habitat due to dilithium mining.
-Andy
One thing that irks my Nerdance to no end is when science fiction stories dealing with advanced science and galaxy spanning civilizations suddenly throw in stuff that technologically hearkens back to the good ole days of WWII or earlier. I don’t expect perfection in my cheese ridden space operas, but if something already exists that is better than the equivalent you are depicting in your show/movie/book, well you screwed up. Today’s continuation of 
The ship mounted phasers are cool, and seem to have a decent range as well. They seem to use pinpoint computer targeting like you would imagine a big ass particle weapon from the future would use. What’s more, you never see shots of cadets in star trek lining shit up with old tyme iron sights in order to guesstimate their target. The torpedoes are another story. While cool in theory, they never seemed to pack the punch they should. I see shots of torpedoes tearing through the hull of a ship, and I can’t help but think, “damn if that thing was a nuke they would have been toast.”
What struck me about the weapon systems in Star Wars is how god damn slow the lasers move. Like, you can see the light crawling away from you slower than a Major League pitch. Combine that with the need to manually aim the turrets like something from a WWII era B-17 and I’m surprised they ever hit anything. I’m sure there are crew members who have manned those turrets their entire 30 year career in the Empire who have never hit a damn thing. The proton torpedoes are also manually aimed. Jesus, did all the computer technology in the universe go into making golden robots of questionable sexuality? I’m pretty sure an army guy in a Humvee could dodge Imperial Weaponry, so the US army wins again.
Now Phasers are all power and no finesse. You know that part when Darth Vader blocks Han’s blaster with his hands in Cloud City? If he tried that shit to a Federation officer he would have a split second to look at his non-existent hand before the rest of his body vaporised. A tiny personal phaser can destroy shit at the atomic level, but the problem is use. Their rate of fire sucks! They emit a long drawn out beam that takes a half an hour to dissipate before they can fire again. So what you get in Star Trek is firefights identical to old westerns where the two sides huddle behind some rocks and take pot shots at each other. A trained squad of Marines would eat Enterprise security forces for breakfast.
The standard issue ranged weapon in Star Wars is the Blaster. Aside from having a ridiculous name these things are weak as shit. I’m pretty sure I could stop a blaster with my hand if I had black leather gloves like Vader. At most they throw a few sparks and make a little puff of smoke. Also they are horribly inaccurate. Maybe the Stormtroopers are retarded (a topic for later), but there has to be a reason they never hit anything. Perhaps the Empire needs tighter quality control to make sure blasters don’t fire a good 15 degrees off plumb. Forget the military, the Keystone Cops could take out a battalion of Stormtroopers.
Welp, The Best I could come up with for Star Trek is something called the bat’leth. It is a traditional Klingon weapon, and while it might look cool, it is most definitely stupid. Hard to use, weighting a good 20 lbs, and made of solid steel it looks like one of those cheesy fantasy knives you can get in the cutlery place in the mall. A baseball bat would be a better weapon. Hell, a paring knife might be superior based on how fast I imagine a bat’leth user would hurt themselves. What a joke.
The Light Saber is the holy grail of Star Wars weapons, and with this the series makes up for its stumbles in the other categories. I’m not saying it is the most effective weapon or anything. Unless the force lets you slow down time Matrix style I think a Jedi would have a hard time blocking all the rounds from a decent machine gun, but as a hand-to-hand weapon it is definitely better than anything we have these days. Imagine owning one… I could slice AND cook my vegetables all at once! I could get rid of half my power tools! I could finally open those plastic nightmare packages all electronics come in! I would be invincible!
Back in the heyday of science fiction there was a guy named Isaac Asimov. This was a while ago when sci-fi still had fresh ideas and wasn’t solely composed of soap operas in space (Star Trek) and fruity fantasy tales with wizards and magic (Star Wars.) Anyways, this Asimov guy wrote some pretty good books that, while excellent and revolutionary, do not translate well into modern pop culture (action packed thrill rides starring Will Smith going, “Aww, hell naw!”)
Consequently, lots of folks don’t know where much of our modern science fiction has its roots, especially when it comes to robotics. Mr. Asimov was smart enough to imagine that the creators of any sort of advanced artificially intelligent robot wouldn’t want to deal with the hassle of being blown into tiny meat chunks or thrown against a concrete wall as soon as they hit the power button on their newly crafted behemoth bristling with lasers and ungodly soulless strength. So he created a series of 3 laws to govern robot behavior that would be programmed into the computerized brain of the robot in order to keep those unfortunate rampages of mass destruction and death from even happening. That’s them up at the top of the update, straight from the source itself (Wikipedia.)
A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
A robot must have one of the following present at any given time: a ninja, a pirate, a zombie, a monkey, a viking, or Ron Paul. Uncreative internet comedians wouldn’t have it any other way.
A robot working for the bomb squad is allowed to shed a single tear of lubricating motor oil as it is wheeled toward the suspicious package in the middle of the Carl’s Jr. parking lot.
Much to my dismay I recently learned that another Aliens vs Predator movie landed in theaters like a frozen turd thrown from a jet airliner. To everyone’s surprise it managed to 
I am not really one for nostalgia. Ninja Turtles were pretty terrible. But both the Aliens and Predator series had some awesome moments. The time the crew of the Nostromo are just chilling out having a nice breakfast when suddenly a little pink phallic beastie pops out of the chest of an unlucky crewman is a classic scene. Equal to that is Arnold throwing a foot long combat knife clear through the body of a guerrilla rebel, pinning him to the wall while quipping, “Stick around!”
The original Alien movie was bad ass, as was the first Predator movie. Sure they have had some slip ups, but neither of these series were so far gone as to be thrown into the trash heap with a, “Fuck it, lets rape some cheap cash out of these corpses before we shoot their mangled bodies into the sun.” They still had some life damn it.
Blade Runner is an incredible movie. I dare say it is one of my favorites. Imagine my excitement when it was announced that a new Final Cut version was on the way for DVD release and theatrical release. Then imagine my disappointment when I learned that I lived nowhere near a theater showing of what is sure to be the pinnacle of man’s pursuit of art. That’s okay I can still get the DVD I guess. But then I got to thinking. I know this is the “Final” cut, but hasn’t Blade Runner been released about 80 different times, each one more final than the last?
To appeal more to a modern audience, and to more accurately depict the future as it will most probably unfold, the ongoing game of chess between the geniuses Tyrell and J.F. Sebastian is going to be modified into a rousing Halo match. All of the intensity of the finishing moves will remain intact, but the whole thing will play out over Xbox LIVE. Today’s hooting college kid is tomorrow’s revolutionary cyberneticist. The scene where Sebastian finally defeats Tyrell with the aid of of Roy will be punctuated by Tyrell throwing his controller against the wall and Sebastian calling him a “noob nigger faggot!”
To keep up believability the whole movie will be digitally processed to remove the gloomy overcast and polluted look the LA of 2019 has. With peak oil obviously already passed we are well on our way to reducing emissions and cleaning up all that smog. Instead LA will be bright and sunny with a lighter countenance with all female characters in big bug eyed shades. What do you say? Global warming is on the rise still? The polar caps are all going to melt? Nevermind. The entire movie will now take place completely under water.
The revised scene will take into account what we have learned from CSI, so not only will he be able to enhance a 3×4 block of pixels into a recognizable face, but it will have an incredible user interface completely driven by a keyboard with no mouse input needed at all! I know I use nothing but my trusty keyboard when I load up photoshop! (This is actually LESS retarded than the voice activated system in the actual movie.)
This one is more of an edit to reflect modern movie tastes and make the film age better rather than a technical fix. The original fruity happy ending that nobody cares about is gone, as is the uncertain and unsettling ending we have grown to love in the DVD releases. In its place is something to bring Deckard more in line with what modern audiences want in an action hero. Gone is Roy’s monologue given as Deckard watches in the rain.
Instead, Deckard, trapped on the rooftop and facing off against Roy sees he has one round left is his Sword/Gun. He gives a steely look to Roy, raises his gun and whispers a witty one-liner. Everything goes all slow-mo and Roy’s head explodes in an amazing display of gore and badassedness. Deckard drops the gun, puts on his bug eyed shades and walks slowly away as the music swells and the credits roll. It’s System of a Down.
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